Happy New Year

I got an email from my boss yesterday. It was about Chinese horroscopes and what the new year will bring. Of course, they are referring to the Chinese New Year, not the Gregorian (is that what it's called? Too lazy to google it!) calendar new year. But it doesn't make much of a difference.

Anyway, the astrologist predicted that next year is going to be really shitty for me. What a way to start the new year huh? Nothing like getting a little bad news to start your year.

So, they have advised me to stay in my current job (I'm good... I love my job!)... do not invest my money in anything (with the current economic situation, doesn't everybody know that?) and be careful with my relationships (no comment). So in other words, don't do anything this year, and just 'exist'...

Yeah right!!

I have a simple philosophy in life. You've got to try everything at least once!

So have a Happy New Year!!! Let's make a wild one!!!

Companionship For Sale

I went to a club with LOML and a few friends the other day. This club is known as a pick up joint for your very own sugar mummy/daddy. They come standard with cash, clothes, car and sometimes a condo.

You may be asking, what the hell was I doing there. Well, LOML's friend told us that the place is different now. They did some renovation and the crowd now is different.

So we went there and had quite a nice time. As we were leaving, one of the guys who worked there came up to me and asked me if it was my first time there. He then started to promote the place, and told me I should come back often. Now that was a bit weird, considering that I was there for about 3 hours and they waited until I was walking out the door to 'say hi'.

I met up with more friends at another club after that and told them what happened. (Yes, I was club hopping. I'm still young!!!). According to my friend, I've been 'noticed and acknowledged' by the 'mummies' ... and we're not talking about dead ancient Egyptians here... and they want to see me there again.

A couple of things came to mind. First of all, I'm 'Boy Toy' material!! I'll take it as a compliment. Secondly, if I were to take up such an offer, would be so bad? They want companionship, and they are willing to pay for it... there's nothing wrong with that, is there?

I started to wonder how it would be... didn't have to use my imagination much... right across the club we were at, a friend of mine was trying to down a 'flaming lamborghini' courtesy of the three middle aged women sitting around him.

How much harm could that do, right?

Would your conscience be working overtime if you pretended to enjoy somebody's company in order to gain financially. I mean, people do that all the time at work. Do you really think your boss' jokes are funny?

I actually have friends who have received 'offers' before... promises of the 5Cs. But they've turned those offers down.

So what does that mean. Firstly, my friends and I are all good looking! Hot stuff!! Second, our companionship is not for sale...

So why the hell not? It's that damned voice in the back of your mind that keeps on telling you that you still have your dignity. It's telling you that all you have to do is work hard and you can get where you want to be. You don't need to depend on anybody to get ahead financially.

Damned conscience!

What's the rush?

A multinational company I used to work for had this very annoying work culture. Everything was URGENT. Every single project, every single request, every single email was urgent. People wanted you to settle their stuff first because it was 'urgent'. It didn't matter what else you had on your plate at the time.

They had several levels of urgency for all matters. There was the most common which was URGENT... then there was VERY URGENT. And the last one, that cropped up right before I started looking for a new job was SUPER URGENT!

Everybody was running here and there, going to meetings, presentations, briefings, and of course the occasional sessions of getting your ass chewed off by your boss for not getting more done.

So, what's the rush? Why do we have to cram as much as possible into our lives. I believe it's our need for a false sense of accomplishment.

We feel important when we can take 5 meetings and 2 presentations at work, drive like a madman on the way home, grab a quick dinner, have a quick chat with a loved one, have a quicky, read the newspaper, continue doing work and catch 3 hours of sleep.

Now let's break down that day's accomplishments that made you the most important person in the world...

5 Meetings - Probably meetings that were needed to discuss how to fix problems arose because you never took the time to properly plan your work

2 Presentations - You didn't pay attention to them. You'll probably screw up the projects because you obviously don't have the time to get clarification on the 'small details'

Drive like a madman - you probably pissed somebody off and should be thankful that person didn't pull out a gun and blow your head off

Quick dinner - doubt if it was a balanced meal

Quick chat - so much for having a meaningful conversation

Quicky - are you sure the other person is satisfied? Were you satisfied? Two minutes? Are you kidding me?

Read the newspaper - just reading the headlines, huh?

Continue with work - can't concentrate can you?

Three hours of sleep - the headache you're gonna get when you try to wake up for work the next morning would only have been worth it if you had had a wild night... but you didn't...

So let's slow things down... let's do less things but actually spend time doing it. Let's enjoy life... because in the end, nobody actually wins the rat race. Might as well take a stroll and enjoy the view.

Gifts for myself...

I got an email from my company. They asked everybody to send a 'Christmas Wish List'... seems that the company arranged for some budget to get a gift for everybody. Very thoughtful of them considering the current economic situation.

So I started the writing the list, and I realised that I didn't want anything... not that I don't want an Xmas gift, I just didn't know what to ask for.

I do have a compulsive shopping habit whenever I'm stressed.(www.lifeofh.blogspot.com/2008/09/shopping-when-stressed.html). But when I'm happy, then... nothing.

So there I was, staring at the screen, thinking to myself "don't you want anything?"... and amazingly, this other side of my brain answered "nah... not really"...

Then I tried to recall what I did whenever I walk around aimlessly in a mall... and it hit me. I look for stuff to give to other people!!

It's always 'that would be nice for LOML' or 'that would be nice for my son' or whoever else is my life. It's never 'ooh... I want that'... unless I'm stressed of course.

Then I thought of my dad. I've never actually seen him buy anything for himself. He buys stuff for everybody but somebody else has to buy stuff for him. Same thing for my both my brother-in-laws. Well except for one of them who bought a sports car... but I would categorise that as mid-life crisis.

So I guess, it's a man thing. I feel macho already!

So now I had a problem. What do I put in my list? So I made up some stuff.

1. iPod - I remember thinking this was something I had to have. Of course, I was stressed at the time. I don't feel I need it now. But it may just save me the time (and money) whenever I get stressed out again.

2. Spa Package - I thought it would be nice to go with LOML! It's amazing that I would ask for a gift that I could then give to somebody else.

3. Books - Love to read but don't know what book to buy. I actually bought 'A Prisoner of Birth' by Jeffrey Archer a few months ago and have yet to read it. Can't seem to find the time. So I have no idea why I decided to ask for more books.

4. Aston Martin DBS - My name is Bond... James Bond. Ok, so I ran out of ideas for my wish list.

5. Miss Venezuela - Hell... Why not!!??

I wonder what they'll get me?

Anger Management

People would say I'm a very pleasent person. In fact, people say that I'm down right charming. I am always 'happy'.

I try to keep it that way because it affects everybody's mood. If you are always cheerful, then everybody around you becomes cheerful as well.

But there are certain situations where I totally change into my alter ego... "The Angry Driver"...

As soon as I start driving, I don't take crap from anybody... you cut me off, you're dead... you cut queue, you're dead... you tailgate, you're dead...

It's a very bad thing... my blood pressure goes up... I am always angry... I'll pick a fight with every asshole that I find on the road... I get overly brave, in a stupid way...

And then, I saw the light...

This happened over a week ago... I gave my collegues a ride to the train station after work. There was construction on the road so everybody's got to merge into the lane that I was in. I don't have a problem with letting people in, as long as they do it in a nice way. Suddenly, this Mercedes comes from behind and bullies his way infront of me, pushing me out of my lane. Obviously, HE MUST DIE!! So in situations like this, I would make it as hard as possible for him to move. In other words, the only way he can move forward is to get his car scratched on my side view mirror (obviously I've done this before).

After some creative manouvering on his part, he manages to get free without scratching his car... later down the road, he slows down, and when I pass him, his window was open and he was saying something to me... I couldn't hear him because of the wind, but I assumed that he was continuing his quest to become an asshole.

Anyway, I drop off my collegues at the train station and I see him parked behind me... does this guy really want a beating? He was an old man! Is he serious? Now this got me curious... if he wanted to fight, he would have come up to me... instead, he waited in his car....

So, I went up to him and asked him what his problem was? He said a few things, but what really stuck in my mind was "why are you so angry?"

And that got me thinking... why am I so angry??... in any other situation in my life, I would have given the other person the benefit of the doubt and thought nothing more of the situation... but when I'm driving, I totally cannot manage the anger... and there was no point to it. I don't gain anything from being angry... I just lose, in terms of my health...

So right there, at the side of the road, I decided I didn't want to be angry when driving anymore... so I appologised to him for losing my cool... I don't think I've ever appologised for anything that fast! ;)

I felt better... I felt free...

So why did this guy go through all this trouble, probably risking his life... I could have had a gun and walked up to his car and blown his head off...

Well, after feeling all better, I asked him his name... turned out to be one of the alumni from the highschool I used to go to... he said that he recognised me, that we've actually met before... I can't recall... I just know him by name.

Now for the moral of the story... we've all got something that really pisses us of... whether it's driving, politicians, the economy, terrorists, your boss... but what's the point of getting all riled up about it? If you were to keep your emotions out of it, then you'll probably be able to come up with a way to solve your problem, instead of just complaining about it... you end up without high blood pressure, and you will have contributed to society...

So chill next time...

Taking what's yours...

I've gotten complaints that my blog isn't updated. They were from the two people who actually read this blog on a regular basis. When 100% of your audience is complaining, then it's about time you do something about it!!

Ok, I've been extremely busy at work. And I have this thing about using my laptop on weekends. I believe that a person needs to be disconnected from the wired world once in a while to keep his sanity. Of course, I think this while I'm replying to a text message from my boss, who is in another country. Well, can't really be fully disconnected. ;)

In short, I'm sorry for dissapointing my audience. Both of you! :P

I really need more people to read this.

Anyway, back to the real topic. Taking what's yours...

What the heck am I talking about?

Well, it's easy. I have stopped expecting people to actually make an effort to make me happy. Actually I'm just referring to LOML...

I have all these normal, unchallenging expectations of her, which she just doesn't give a rat's ass about. My feelings get hurt, I tell her, she tells me that it's not important.... over and over again...

So why bother, right? So now, when I want something to make me happy, I just TAKE IT. I no longer care what her feelings are about the situation.

Example, she complains when I go out with my friends. She says I'm ignoring her... blah blah blah... read the first few posts if you don't remember.

But whenever my friends want to go out, I'll ask her to go with me, to which her reply would be, NO... now at this point, I can go out without her, and go through all the drama, or I can just stay at home with her. I usually do the latter, because I don't want to deal with all the crap later.

So I've changed my gameplan. I no longer ask her if she wants to go... I tell her that she is going. I don't care if she doesn't know my friends... She better get to know them. Because if she doesn't have a good time, then not my problem!!

I like this new plan. Makes me seem like the insensitve asshole in the relationship. But she's had that title for a couple of years already. It's my turn!!!

I'm taking charge of this relationship. And if she doesn't like it, then she can leave.

Not to say that I don't pamper her... I still do. I still make an effort to be loving and caring and romantic... I still try to make her happy. But I also make sure that I'm happy as well.

Someone Like Me...

I've been extremely busy lately... finally got a chance to write a blog post... The idea came to me last week... shows how committed I am to my work (or more of being commmitted to getting a paycheck at the end of the month)

Anyway, I had a revelation last week. I have finally realised what kind of person I actually want in a partner/girlfriend/wife/fling etc... I want someone who is just like me!!

They always say that opposites attract. Of course there's that urge to 'try something new'... but if that's not your preference in the first place, then how long could you actually stand a person who's basically nothing like you.

At work, when you need to hire somebody, you would find somebody who you can get along with. Somebody who thinks like you. You do that so you can work well together and the work gets done. Why doesn't it apply to somebody who you basically spend the rest of your life with.

From a scientific point of view, your brain recognises similarities that you share with people. You become more comfortable with people who talk like you, act like you, share the same ideals as you.

So what kind of person should I look for? Well, I need somebody who wears their heart on their sleeve... somebody who shows me that they love me. Telling me that they love me, and then treating me like crap does not count. They have to appreciate me. They have to be able to tell the world that we are in a relationship. They have to be able to have public show of affection (ie kiss in public) and not care what other people think, because there's only two people in the world that matter, and it's the two of us.

They have to be close to their family. They have to understand that family comes first...

They must have lots of friends. They must understand that there are times when we need 'a guys nite out' or in her case 'a girls nite out'... she has to be able to join in with my friends.

They must love to pamper me and love to be pampered...

They must be outgoing... willing to try new things...

They must not be lazy... if you are active, then you feel healthier...

They must know that age is just mind over matter... if you don't mind, then it doesn't matter...

They must love to read... and be able to discuss any topic, from current events, government policies, music, movies, business, all the way to who let the dogs out... ;)

Could you guys recommend anybody?

Small Matter... Big Deal

Have you ever got into a fight with someone over such a small matter? They made such a big deal over such an insignificant thing when compared to the other problems we face in life. You feel like just smacking them and tell them that they are being silly.

Of course this has happened before... for some people, it happens a lot...

Now, have you ever been pissed off at someone and that person just dismisses it as a small matter and you should just forget about it? You try and explain to the person that IT IS FUCKING IMPORTANT!! It's important to you! You can't sleep at night because of it! But the person just shrugs and says "So!? Chill Out!!"

Of course this has also happened before...

Could it be that the person you're with is always wrong, and doesn't know how to prioritise issues in their life?

Remember there is always three sides to a story of an event. Mine, Yours and THE TRUTH! We only see our perspective of it.

When we face a small matter that seems to be a big deal to the other person, we should at least try to step back and try looking at it through their eyes.

I know what you're thinking... "I've tried, and I am confident that he/she is overeacting".

How long did you take to come to that conclussion? A whole five seconds?

Let's try this. Take your time with every situation. When at first you don't understand, raise your hand and ask questions. Ask for more details. Dig for underlying reasons. And once you finally understand the problem, then comment.

If after two hours of analysis, you still come to the same conclussion, then just go with it. If it's not important to you, but is important to the other person, then what have you got to lose by going with the flow? He/She is happy because you were understanding of their feelings... and you, well, you couldn't give a rat's ass what the outcome was, because it wasn't important.

Easier said than done. You need a very understanding partner. It's very difficult to get them to agree to be more open minded to every situation. So lead by example. Everytime they need you to understand how big something small is, take the time. Be understanding. Be the bigger man/woman.

After a while, that person should emulate the same behaviour. And it will make it easier to get through life's little/big problems.

Of course, after years of 'training', the other person still doesn't get, then just accept the fact that you chose a dumb fuck to be your 'loved one'! But you love 'em, and should just accept him/her for what they are.

Trust

Trust is always earned... and it's increadibly easy to lose. Once you've lost it, it's very hard to get back.

I on the other hand trust people right off the bat. They didn't have to earn it. I always assume the best in people. But once that trust is broken, then it will be damn near impossible for me to ever trust that person again.

And it doesn't have to be a very large lie... it could be the smallest things, but once that precedent has been set, I start to doubt everything which comes out of that person's mouth.

Kind of harsh.

Now you have to be clear on the difference between trust issues and jealousy.

Jealousy is when you hear questions like "Who is she... why did she sign the card with a heart... why did you take a picture with her"... which is then replied with "she works in the same office... I've been telling you about her from day one... I don't know why she put the heart on the card... they were taking pictures and she happened to be beside me... here's a few pictures of me with othe people..." It's then followed by... "I LOVE YOU... MUAH MUAH MUAH"... and things are ok after that...

Trust issues would sound like this...

Woman : Why did she say that to you?
Man : I don't know. Maybe she's being nice. This is the first time I've ever talked to her. And she did all the talking... All I said was 'OK'. I never thought of it in any other way... that's why I told you about it.
Woman : Cut the crap. There must be something going on between you two!
Man : Huh!?
Woman : You're lying!!
Man : Huh!?
Woman : You cheating bastard!!
Man : Huh!?
Woman : Give me your phone, your email and IM passwords, and the keys to you car and house!! I'm going to find out what you've been doing behind my back with her!!!
Man : Huh!?

There usually is an underlying reason why people have trust issues... past relationships, you were caught lying, blah blah blah... but you have to talk about it... you have to let your guard down and tell "THE TRUTH"... because no matter how honest you think you are, you will never tell your loved one the whole truth about how you feel, and what hurts you.

It's difficult... I know... I'm trying to do it... but the more you tell that person what's bugging you, the better you feel... and the more you realise that there's no major problem there... and you start thinking "why am I so stupid that I start this fight"... when that revelation has entered you mind, then things are going to get better...

But you have to start that talk/argument... if you were going to say to yourself "it's just stupid... forget about it", then it will haunt you! So just get it out... look stupid. Doesn't matter... you're being stupid in front of somebody who loves you. They might want to tear your head off, but they'll understand.

Then, you have to keep an open mind while your loved one looks stupid and tells you the real reasons they don't trust you...

Difficult eh... you can do it, but how do you get the other person to participate...?

If I knew all the answers, I would be totally happy and not be writing this blog, now would I! ;)

Birthdays

Today is my birthday... I feel so old!! I've never actually liked birthdays... I feel like another year has gone by and I have nothing to show for it. Like I've wasted 365 days. I get like this on my birthday and also new year.

I'm 29 years old... that's young, right? The company I work for sent a birthday email this morning. There was a quote... 'Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter'... but I mind!!

I used to be able to pass for much younger... in fact, earlier this year, I went to a club and they actually asked for my ID!! Now, just a few months later, when I ask people to guess my age, they guess correctly!! In a few months, I can bet people will say I look 35!

Why does this matter to me? I've always believed that you look younger when you are happy... by looking my age, I'm neither happy nor sad... by looking older, I am sad... does this make sense?

I'm extra upset this year because it's the last year of my 20's... and I'm still trying to get used to the fact that I'm no longger a teenager...

I've started to show signs that I'm getting old... whenever I hang out with my friends, all we do is talk about the 'good old days'... college... high school...

Oh well... Happy Birthday to ME!!

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

I think I have a slight case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I'm not sure, and I really don't want to know the truth. Let's just accept it as a 'very mild case'.

Some of the things I do seem very funny to the onlooker. For example, I HAVE to fold the burger wrapper at McDonanld's after I've finished the burger. I just can't crumple it up. It feels so wrong. I've had friends actually whisper 'look at him... he's going to fold it...' and then burst out laughing when I do!

Another 'funny' thing I do is whenever my significant other makes a kissing sound over the phone (muah)... i have to reply with the same sound THREE times! (ie muah muah muah)... I can't help it. It would drive me nuts if I didn't.

I've got a million other things that I do that others would find funny and pointless. But to me they are as important as breathing. I sometimes lose sleep because of those things.

For the first time, I've decided to read a bit about OCD.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder

It's amazing how the article describes me. There are things that go through my mind that are so embarrassing that I can't even talk about it in my 'anonymous' blog.

I don't want to go to a psychiatrist. I don't need to pay somebody to tell me that I'm 'nuts'... I already know that! ;)

I have this thing about taking psychiatric drugs. I've taken stuff that's supposed to 'calm me down'. Instead, they make me incredibly depressed.

So I just continue my life with this 'condition' and provide entertainment for all my friends. Hopefully one day they realize the anxiety that I go through when they deny me my little quirks.

LOML for example doesn't understand no matter how I try to explain it to her. She just thinks it's not important, and I shouldn't take it seriously... what a surprise, eh?

Change to accomodate?

This morning on my way to work, the morning show on radio was discussing how women change in order to accomodate the men in their life. Callers (women of course) were saying that they will change for the better. Only men change for the worse once they get into a relationship.

BULLSHIT!!!

You see, women have been brainwashed by women's magazines that have articles like "Ten ways your man isn't treating you right" or "Does he deserve a great gal like you?"... They think they are perfect.

It's always a man's fault in anything. When a man blames a woman for anything, then he's being abusive. He's not being understanding... blah blah blah... why isn't it ever quite simply a woman's fault?

You know when most women will be 'accomodating' in a relationship? When the guy treats her like crap. That's why you see many women who are verbally, emotionally and physically abused, but yet stay in the relationships for totally wrong reasons.

These women need to be liberated!

But then, these same women will suddenly become the 'guy' when they get into a relationship with the nice guy. Now the guy will be verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abused... and it will be the guys fault!!!

Bottom line, BOTH men and women are animals in the core. We will dominate when possible. And we may abuse that power that we have achieved.

We have to step back and analyse the relationship. Don't look at what the other person is doing wrong only. Look at yourself. What have you been doing that would qualify you as an asshole? How would you feel if you were treated that way... in fact how did you feel when you WERE treated that way in previous relationships.

Don't be a hypocrite... the world would be a better place if we all not only talked the talk, but also walked the walk...

Long Business Trips

They should really put a cap on how long you should be on a business trip. I'm already losing my mind. The only time I enjoyed myself here was when LOML came over for the weekend. Now that she's gone back, I'm bored again.

The longest business trip I've been on before this was five days. This is double that. Plus the fact that I have to drive back is just stressing me out! Maybe I should have flown here!

The best business trip I've been on was maybe a year ago with another company. It was planned by the business development manager. It was to lobby the client. Three days two nights. Actual duration for the meeting - 1 hour. :D

Two days into the trip, I noticed that I was very thirsty. Turns out that the last time I had any fluids that did not contain alcohol in it was on the plane! This revelation was when we were in the shuttle from the beach back to the hotel with the other 'tourists'.... hehehe...

I love working with sales people!

Anyway, these two weeks makes me re-evaluate how I'm going to handle the relocation that's coming up, tentatively next year. I was going to treat it as an 'extended business trip'... just waiting for the time when I move on to the next project.

But if I get bored after a week, how am I going to handle 6 months, or even a year!?

I don't want to resign and look for another job. I like my job. I like the company. I like my collegues. I like my boss (how often can people say that!).

Plus, quitting because I'm bored with a posting would speak volumes about my character, wouldn't it. I'm not a quitter. My father has never let me quit on something because he knows that not only can I do it, but I can do it well.

And I have in the past... so this should be no different. Just have to come up with a new strategy...

Side effects of 'mood enhancing' substances

Before I start this blog post, I would like to make it clear... Alcohol is bad... marijuana is bad... in fact all 'mood enhancing' substances which are consumed without a prescription from a doctor is BAD. I do not condone nor do I promote the use of such substances. I'm a very naughty person for using such substances. You should not use me as a role model!

Now that's been said, I want to tell you a very bad side effect that I have when I use mood enhancing substances... It's not the hangover... I can deal with that. Is the fact that I'm brutally honest!! Do not start an argument with me. I can be very cool, calm and collective during a 'discussion', but at some alcohol, and damnit, you will get a piece of my mind! Do not ask questions that you do not want the answer to. I will not sugar coat it like when I'm sober.

Mainly, my problem is, I tell the truth... even though it's the brutal truth. Thank goodness I don't keep any secrets from LOML (except maybe for the existence of this blog), so when she asks questions when I'm under influence, she gets an answer that will make her fall even more in love with me. And she could trust the answer because she knows I tell the truth when I'm in that state.

But sometimes, there are tiny little issues that I choose not to raise with people for the simple reason that they are "TINY ISSUES" and not worth getting worked up about. But when under influence, they come out!

These tiny issues, when coupled with my "superior when under influence debating skills" result in these tiny issue becoming huge issues... and I end up not being able to sleep because they haunt my dreams.

This rarely happens, but it really ruins a night of partying!

I'm thankful that LOML was very understanding the last time that happened! ;) But now she knows the little things that she does that bug me. As they say at the end of the GI Joe cartoons... "knowing is half the battle!"

Face Recognition

In my previous post, SL commented that part of my "permanent damage" due to substance abuse is the fact that I have a problem remembering names. It's true that I have that problem, but I also have a problem with faces.

I have had two girlfriends in the past where I couldn't remember how they look like after the first meeting.

First one called me up. She got my number from a mutual friend. I had to tell her the truth that I couldn't remember her name. Must have been really embarrassing for her, having to gather the courage to call me, and I don't even remember her name. I actually heard her say "oh my god!"... poor girl. Anyway, we decided to meet up. And of course, on the day that we met up, I was really hoping she would come up to me and say hi. I actually pretended to admire the scenery, as an excuse of why 'I didn't see that she had arrived'.

Second story was actually my wife. First time I met her, it was a college activity kind of thing. So we talked, laughed, etc. Spent an estimated three hours with her. Problem was, I was chilling out the whole time and never bothered to properly memorise her face. The next day, the whole group got together again to continue the activity. I couldn't remember which one she was! So I didn't talk to any girls, and was just talking to a couple of my friends. Finally she came up to me and said hi. I was still not sure it was her. I let her start talking. I was only sure it was her when she started talking about the stuff we talked about the night before.

Now whoever says that I'm only interested in a girl because of her looks is greatly mistaken. Obviously a girl's personality is what atracts me! I must be the last guy on earth who's like this!

Now I consider this a major problem, since I deal with clients most of the time. I'm always being introduced to new people for my job. Amazingly, what I do is I actually tell some of them (especially if I meet a large group of people) that I have a problem with names and faces. Most will laugh and understand. But I don't think they know the severity of my problem.

Interesting fact though. I went to for a drink last night (alone! I hate traveling alone) and there was a band playing and the club I was at. I can still recall how the singer looks like. I was looking around the club most of the time, not the band. Amazingly I can't remember the bartender, who was infront of me most of the time. Weird...

Substance Abuse

I'm afraid to take paracetamol... I still do sometimes when I have a fever, but I have to be forced to take it. Reason for it is I used to be addicted to the stuff. It's readily available over the counter, so no problems there. Worse part was I didn't even realise I was addicted. I just 'assumed I had a fever every single day'.

Why am I talking about this? Well, I was watching CSI last night and there was a character which drank so much until she was only semi-concious and then was raped. She just didn't realise she had too much and should have stopped drinking for her own safety.

People who have never gone through a 'substance abuse stage' would say that it was avoidable. But I feel that it's only avoidable if you know that it's happening. You have to actually realise that what you are doing will have adverse effects.

For me, I totally didn't realise what I was doing... the whole habit fit snugly into my life. I used to just walk into a drug store to 'stock' up like it was something totally normal. I took 3-4 doses a day, each time 'checking my temperature' first to make sure, yes, I had a fever.

I was considered lucky. One day I realised what I was doing and stopped. Amazingly the fevers also stopped!! :D I'm lucky it wasn't something really addictive like hard drugs.

There are other things I did when I was 'younger'... up to a point where I have 'blank spots' in my memory... problem is, because I don't remember what I did to cause the 'blank spots', there's no way for me to learn my lesson and avoid it!! That's kind of crappy, don't you think! :P

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you should look at what you do in your life. There may be things that you do that are harmful to you but you just don't realise it. For me, it didn't have any permanent damage (that I know of). But better be safe than sorry.

Being Far Away...

After too many hours on the road, I've finally made it to the destination of my biz trip. I'm tired, and I'm hungry.

When I was young, I used to think it was really cool to travel on business. I used to see people at the airport, or at hotels, with their laptops and briefcases and thought they were having the time of their life, traveling for the company.

Now that I've done this myself for the past five years, I've realised that I was WRONG!

You get really tired of getting on and off planes, cars, cabs, etc. You lose precious time waiting at airports, or just staring at the open road. Time you could spend with your loved ones. You are alone most of the time, trying to make small talk with complete strangers because you are just so extremely lonely.

This trip, I've decided to drive instead of fly here because I'll be here for almost two weeks, and having my car would make it easier for me to move around. That was an incredibly boring drive!! It was the furthest I've driven alone! Could have used some company.

This shows my inability to be alone. I get totally bored from short business trips. What does that tell you about me?

Post-Holiday

She made it through the holidays without flipping out! I'm amazed... LOML has really improved. I like to think that the glass is half full! ;)

I kept in contact with her the whole time. She didn't need to be so clingy when friends came over, or when she went to see her son. So that was good. In other words, she only needs me there to comfort her when she's feeling lonely.

I admit, I did miss her a lot during the last couple of days. It's the holidays, when I was with my family. I always felt that something was missing. It was her. She's also family to me.

I haven't had a chance to see her yet. Went straight to the office. We are gonna meet up for lunch.

Maybe things are going to get better. Maybe I've been worrying too much.

I used to have this belief that things will always work out in the end. I always thought of that everytime shit happens. And it always does. Whether it was because of exams I didn't study for, or financial problems... it sorted itself out. Well, that's kind of illogical. It's more of the fact that if I have a positive attitude towards a problem, whatever actions I take should turn out for the best.

It's amazing what positive thinking can do.

Holidays

Starting tomorrow, it will be a two day holiday. It's something that I have been dreading for almost the whole year. Reason - LOML.

You see, I'll be spending those two days with my family. It's one of those times of the year that I actually get to meet up with them. And I'm not talking of just my parents and sisters. I'm talking about my grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, second counsins, etc.

Now LOML's family is quite far, and with the current oil prices, makes flying to see them very expensive. So, she decided not to go see her family during the holidays.

So you see the problem here. I'm off to with my family, having fun catching up. LOML is alone at home, watching tv. She has two days to come up with something that will make my life miserable! In fact, I'm pretty sure, these holidays are part of the reason she 'broke up' with me a few weeks ago.

Before you guys ask, let me just inform you that she does not want to spend the time with my family. Long story. Reserved for future blog posts. :D

So now, when I'm with my family, I have to also keep in touch with LOML to make sure she doesn't feel lonely and left out. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to keep in touch with her. But, when you're forced to, it gets a bit stressful. You tend to get a bit uneasy.

If I didn't look at this as a chore, I'm sure I have no problems with texting her. I would be happy to do it. Have to change my mindset...

But I think after the episode she had a couple of weeks ago, she might be able to take it well this time. I'm pretty sure she understands that just because I'm not there with her, even in her time of need, doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of her. Doesn't mean that I don't care.

If she still goes into relapse, then I guess all that I've said to her went into one ear and out the other!

Think positive!!! She can do this!!! Believe in her!!!

Anyway, I won't be posting anything until Friday. So just hope that my next post doesn't have "Break Up - Again" as the title. :D

Chronic Depression

I've been told that humans are naturally depressed. So I shouldn't think that I'm any different. I should just stop using depression as an excuse and just live life.

Those who see me daily think I'm a very cheerful person. I'm the guy who just can't stop talking in the office. I'm the guy who makes jokes. I'm the guy who brings life to a dull and boring office. I'm the guy who's always happy. Up to a certain extent, I am... when I'm with people.

You see, when I'm with people, I tend to forget my own little problems in my personal life. I'm more focused on either work, or lunch, or the cute girl who just started work! :)

But when I'm alone, then my mind just doesn't give me a break. It's worst at night. I have problems falling asleep.

So what do I think about? Everything that depresses me...

1. LOML... I'm happpy with her but she depresses me.
2. My Son... don't get to spend enough time with him
3. My Job... it's still the calm before the storm, kind of boring
4. My friends... or lack of it. Have friends, but don't get to see them much
5. My financial situation... I shop to fight depression - what do you think!?
6. The price of oil... yes, that keeps me awake
7. The government... how did they ever win the election?
8. This blog... wouldn't it be nice if more people read it! :D
9. My family... i don't spend enough time with them. Don't get along with my dad.
10. My health... i've lost a bit of weight lately... not eating properly...
11. The economy... doesn't this make everybody depressed...

Well, that's all I can think of right at this moment. The rest will come to me when I'm really alone...

This can't be good for me... there was a point in my life that I was so depressed that I thought I had a fever every single day... so every single day I took over the counter fever meds... it was a couple of months before I realised that I was actually addicted to the meds... at least i realised it...

Now the only thing I rely on is good 'ol nick-o-tine... I can't drink when I'm depressed.

I don't actually need any 'medication'. Only human contact. I love to talk. I think that's why I actually agreed with the idea to start this blog. It's a way for me to 'speak' to people. It's been pretty much one way, so hasn't had the total desired effect. Maybe later when more people read it, and leave comments, it would be more 'therapeutic'...

It's amazing, just writing this post makes me depressed. I've been staring at it for over an hour. Usually takes me less than ten minutes.

My life isn't that bad. I'm pretty sure that there's at least a million guys out there in the world who would kill to have my life.

I guess we're never satisfied with what we have. We say that's it's not enough. To me, I put it down as depression. Some people put it as 'not getting what they actually deserve'.

Maybe I should be thankful for all that I have. Maybe that will make me less depressed.

Emotional Guys

I've always thought that I was very emotional. In fact, everybody tells me the same thing. I've always thought it was because I grew up with my mother and three sisters. My dad was always busy with work. Don't really like him, but that's a different story.

But now, I've noticed something with my son. He's incredibly emotional. I've always thought I was a very 'strict and macho' father. He loves me, but he is afraid to cross me. He can hug and kiss me all he wants as well as demand the same from me, but when I say something, it's law! Not two ways about it.

So how did he become so emotional?

Today, I went out to get him some socks. As I was picking something out, he ran towards the escalator. I manage to catch him right before he stepped onto the escalator.

As usual, I put on my strict face, picked him up and gave him a lecture. I know he's just three years old, but he understands what I'm talking about. So he could use the lecture on safety.

Anyway, he starts crying and declares that he no longer loves me, but loves the maid instead. He also wants to go to my parent's house.

Don't you see? He's too sensitive and emotional.

I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. Does the world need more sensitive guys. It would be okay if he had his strong side as well. But all I see in him is his sensitive side, loving side, brilliant side and naughty side.

How do I make my son 'tough'. I'm tough, up to a point. But that's all about keeping things bottled up, like a 'real man' should.

But how do you do influence a three year old child to act tough. I don't want him to lose his sensitive and loving side. Just want him to have a pair of balls to go with it.

What do you think?

Difficult Questions

LOML has this very bad habit of asking me questions which will make me look back, no matter what the answer is.

Most recent incident happened a couple of days ago. Her son is currently with her ex-husband for the next few weeks. So her ex-husband decided that it would be nice for them to go out to dinner together since her son hasn't seen her for a couple of weeks.

My seriously wouldn't mind because even though they are divorced, they still are a family with a kid together... but it's just not my place to say whether she should go or not.

So she asks me if she should go or not. I tell her it's her choice. I'm not the correct person who should say anything about it for obvious reasons...

But she insists, almost to a point of us fighting.

You see, the problem here is, if I told her not to go, then I'm an asshole for not letting her see her kid and depriving her kid of the chance to have dinner with both parents. If i were to tell her to go, then I don't care enough for her and don't have the slightest feelings when another man wants to have dinner with her... plus if they end up fighting during dinner, it would be because I told her to.

So here I am. Stuck.

I was very careful with my words... I asked her if she wanted to see her son, if that would make her happy. She said yes. So I told her to do what would make her happy, because that would make me happy.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think I'm pretty good at maneuvering around the issue. She now goes to do what she wants, and I am not only ok with it, but I'm happy with her decision.

I just weaseled out of answering a difficult question!

Truth is, it pisses me off the she would put me on the spot like that. She refuses to make a decision in her life and instead leaves it up to me, knowing full well that any answer from me will be used against me the next time she wants to 'break up' with me.

Maybe she planned this... she's just setting me up... Am I just being paranoid...

Sex

I'm sure the title has got your attention. No, I'm not going to tell you of a steamy sexual encounter. I'm going to talk about feelings.

Yesterday, I told a friend that if I had a choice between LOML and Angelina Jolie, I would still choose LOML. My friend found that hard to believe. After all, it's Angelina Jolie. She's HOT! :D

But that's how I feel. It's one of the effects of the White Knight Syndrome. It's not like I'm complaining. It's a good thing.

You see, I can't have sex with somebody that I don't have feelings for. And it's not just feelings that I can't do it. I LITERALLY can't. I don't want to get more graphic than that.

Some people told me that I'm like a woman. Getting feelings all mixed up in it. That I should just "plant my seeds whenever the opportunity arises". That I'm missing out on a lot.

Wrong!! I don't feel like I'm losing out. How do I know this? Let's just say I've had a very interesting life. And it's just not worth the trouble.

I used to think I was the only guy like this. Turns out that I'm not. There are a lot of guys out there who only want their spouse/partners. It doesn't matter if the other choice is 'increadibly hot'. Only the thought of it turns them on. The actual act doesn't. How do I know these people exist? Let's just say I have very reliable sources.

So the stereotype that all guys will screw anything that comes along is just a myth created by paranoid women. Nice guys are treated unfairly because of a 'few bad apples'.

For the record, I don't 'have sex'... I make love... ;)

Lack of Drama?

A friend of mine told me this morning that my blog is no longer interesting. Reason is, there's just no more drama! I had a problem with LOML yesterday and amazingly it was resolved on the spot. Isn't that better?

Relationship wise, yes. But entertainment value... no...

Punching Bag

The boss yells at the father. The father yells at the mother. The mother yells at the son. The son yells at the daughter. The daughter kicks the cat.

People always take out their frustration on the ones they love. It's an awful thing to do... We don't dare fight back at the world, but heck, somebody's got to pay for the injustice. So who would just take it with a smile and be 'understanding'... the loved one!

I admit that I've done it before... but I realized I was being a jerk... and I appologised... I now try my best not to do it again...

This morning, LOML decided to use me as a punching bag... she's been doing it since yesterday... in fact, she's been doing it for a long time now...

I don't mind being there for her when she has a problem. But I don't like being yelled at for no reason whatsoever...

So I had a choice, just take it or say something. I decided to say something. I told her that I'll be there for her... but she can't be downright rude to me because she's frustrated with other things.

I had no idea if this was going to end up well... as I've said before, she doesn't like to be told that she's wrong...

And do you know what she did!!!!????

She appologised!!! :D

Either she has finally decided to approach this relationship with an open mind and try her best at making it work, or I really chose the right words.

I'm going to say that the glass is half full... she is trying her best...

Our relationship seems to get better every time we fight!

So, I'm going to try to be even more supportive (I don't know if that's possible but no harm in trying) and she's gonna try not to take out her frustrations on me.

What a way to start the day, eh?

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

I just got an email from one of my many bosses. They have confirmed the need for me to attend to a client which is out of town. Here's the best part. I'll be in another state for almost two weeks... this will happen next month.

Now this is a test for LOML. She has realised that her 'little episode' last week was uncalled for... and some time with me is better than not having me in her life at all. So now, she's about to face a big challenge.

Of course she's going to be extra fragile as the trip nears. But she has to be able to cope with it.

Of course I've learned my lesson as well... I'm not saying last weeks 'episode' was entirely her fault... I'm manly enough to admit when I'm in the wrong... I could have handled things in a different way...

So this time, I thought way ahead... Since I'll be there over during the weekend, I told her that I wanted her to 'visit' me during the weekend... this was, of course, the truth... so it wasn't painful at all...

So she's going to take the train for 8 hrs (overnight... she can just sleep through the whole trip) and join me there, where we will have a weekend by the beach (did I forget to mention that the client is based on an island :D ).

Why an overnight train? It's 1/3 of the cost! So now we can spend that money on something else!

Quite a few times in the past where I've wanted her to be around or I missed her and I did not tell her... All I had to do was open my mouth and say "Baby, I miss you... come over", or something like that... and she would feel loved, needed and important in my life...

I don't tell her, mainly because I am afraid she'll say "no"...

Huh!? Doesn't make sense, does it... but in my screwed up little mind, it does... to me it's like a rejection that I can't really take... even though it's due to valid reasons such as she is busy at work...

Insecure, eh?

I don't think LOML actually understands or even knows about this issue... I just touched on it a few times with her...

Oh well, I'll get over it... I'm doing it now by asking her to come up to see me on the weekend that I'll be away...

I'm strong... right?

Lessons Learned

You should always try to learn from mistakes... Now I didn't say learn from 'your' mistakes. Just mistakes in general, made by everybody... There's a saying - "Those who don't know their history, are bound to repeat it"... in other words, you'll end up making the same stupid mistake again.

So what am I talking about..?

I want to know how many people actually read this blog and learn a lesson about relationships? How many people have ever heard a friend complain about their spouse/partner, and then did their best not to make the same mistake?

To tell you the truth, I've listened to many personal problems. And I've given out so much advice that I could probably compile it into a "Life for Dummies" book. But I have never once learned the lesson and did something about it.

I don't think I'm the only one. I have a friend who will give me the same advice I gave him before. Never fails, each and every time. LOML is the same way... when I have my insecurities, she has her 'standard advice'... but when she has the same insecurity, I have to try to convince her to take her own advice.

But some people are able adjust accordingly... SL told me a couple of weeks back that she refrained from 'chewing out' her boyfriend over a simple incident because she thought of me and my stories. Amazingly, my 'suffering' has brought happiness to a total stranger (SL's boyfriend). The guy was speachless when she was 'civil' about the issue...

At least I have made the world a better place!! :D

Now, I need to start learning from everyone's mistakes... so what did you guys do wrong today?

Shopping When Stressed

I have this really bad habit... I go shopping whenever I'm stressed. Retail therapy. You always hear of women with this problem. Rarely do you hear a guy saying "i'm stressed... i need to shop". I'm guessing it's because guys who do this are pretty much embarrased to admit it. After all, shopping isn't really a 'manly' activity... Guys go out and shoot poor defenceless animals when stressed, or something like that.

Anyway, in the past, because of stress, I have bought (that I can remember), shirts, pants, socks, underwear, shoes, alloy rims, sports exhaust, car CD player, car speakers, walkman, novels, cake, an apartment (i'm not kidding), tv, lcd tv, laptop, dvd player, camcorder, and a vacation.

I think it's obvious to say that my credit cards are smokin' hot from being swipped here and there... shopping trip... $500... peace of mind... priceless!

So, from my little episode with LOML, I bought a novel and a roadmap at the bookstore... and even though we already sorted stuff out, I still needed to do some post stress shopping... so I went out with LOML and bought a digital camera.

Here's the thing with my stress relieving purchase... I already have a camcorder... last time I used it was on vacation with LOML - 7 months ago... my cellphone also has a camera, which I've been using to take pictures on a regular basis... So, why do I need a new digital camera? I haven't got a clue... it's one of those things that I've wanted for a long time... I used to have one, but I broke it!! :D

So now I have a digital camera... I'm less stressed out (until the credit card bill comes).

I don't think I'll ever stop using shopping to relieve stress. It's just so much fun... I don't care if it's more of a 'woman' thing... heck, if women say they can do anything a man can, then a man can do anything a woman can!

What do I write?

You know what I just realised... I have no idea what else to write. It seems that tragedy makes great motivation for writing. Can I do happy?

I hope so... I used to write about happy things. Of course it was all fiction, but that's beside the point.

I'm gonna take a couple of days off from writing this weekend... Get a fresh start next week... Besides, LOML will be around. I don't think I want her to read this blog just yet. Ten years down the line, maybe.

Have a great weekend!

Persistence vs Ego - Part II

And at the end... she logged off!!!

No explanation, no goodbye, nothing.

To quote Jacquimo from the animated movie, Thumbelina, "You're sure to do impossible things, if you follow your heart..."

So I pack up my stuff and leave the office. I head to her office... Park my car beside hers and waited. You may think that this is stalking, but with LOML, it's what I have to do to get my point accross (obviously I have done things like this with her before!)

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!! You may be slapped with a restraining order! I'm a professional and have been properly trained to put my ego and dignity aside in order to make LOML realise that yes, I am in love with her.

So I ask her to go to dinner with me... she says, you guessed it... NO. This whole time she avoids looking at my face... She get's into the car and starts the engine. So I sat on the body frame at the door so she couldn't close the door...

So I start talking... I told her that we've always worked things out. We've been through so much... way tougher things than this. This is nothing...

I told her I was being persistent because she would do the same for me to save the relationship. In fact she has, but that's another story.

She knew what I was saying was true. A tear ran down her cheek. Still wouldn't look at me.

I told her that the reason she couldn't look at me was because it was just her ego stopping her from doing what her heart wants.

She finally says that she is busy. She has to meet up with someone for a dinner appointment, after which she has to go settle some stuff at the office. I told her, not a problem, I'll go with her...

This went on for a while... with her trying not to look at me even though she wanted to... My butt was starting to cramp up...

Finally, after pointing out that she still tries to look for me (through cell phone location tracking), she started to laugh...

She couldn't continue pretending anynore... she wanted me in her life, just as I want her in mine...

First 3 feelings that I felt were :

1. Happiness
2. Hunger
3. Sleepiness

I've hardly eaten or slept in almost 2 weeks. I get like that when I'm upset over LOML's "break up moments". There was an occation that I didn't eat for two days. When we 'got back together', LOML had to literally spoonfeed me because my hands were shaking so bad from the lack of food and I couldn't hold the utensils... Terrible, eh?

Anyway, I did follow her to do her work... I'm pretty sure she enjoyed having me there to keep her company...

We still haven't really talked about her issues. We've just scratched the surface. But at least we're talking with an open mind. And we have a lifetime to talk about it. I don't want to rush it... I want to live life to the fullest with her...

There were times in the past that I actually regretted getting back together, 2 mins after the fact. I felt that she was just not learning from the situation...

But this time felt different. I feel like I've gotten the message accross by sending all her stuff back to her house.

So I'm being optomistic about this... It's going to be even better than before... It usually is...

So there... my heart vs. logic... and my heart won... I'm happy for it...

My persistence vs her ego.... was there ever any doubt?

Persistence vs Ego - Part I

A little bird called SL told me a story about regrets. To sum it up, if both people love each other, and you break up over something small, always fight for it. Meet up and clarify... if you don't you will regret it. You'll be plagued with "what if"... It was a true story based on the little bird's life.

After that she told me she realised that I am moping around because I actually love LOML... not because I'm lonely and just miss having somebody around. DUH!! Everybody assumes the guy is always a jerk... anyway, the bird told me that it's worth the trouble to get what I actually want in life.

So, magically, as if on cue, I noticed that LOML logged into the IM service that we use. (No free plugs on this blog!)

So I start telling her that I'm not gonna give up on the relationship. I'm not gonna accept this whole "move on with life" stuff. If she has insecurities, she can talk to me about it. We've done it with so many other issues. Things get better.

I told her that we have to talk in person. (All this while, it's all by phone, sms, IM). I wanted to have dinner with her and talk...

Let's have dinner... NO... Let's have dinner... NO... Let's have dinner... NO...

I was very persistent! Her reason for not wanting to meet up with me was it's part of her 'moving on with life plan'... basically she was forcing herself to do something her heart did not want...

And at the end... jeng jeng jeng...

Tune in next time....

The Lack of Good Times

This blog is depressing. At least for me. It’s about time I did something that made me happy.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I went out with a friend, and couldn’t last more than 20 minutes. I left and walked around aimlessly through a shopping. I finally figured out a place that I’ve never been to with LOML… the bookstore. I love to read, but she doesn’t. So, I thought I would be emotionally safe there. Wrong!!

I came across a book of baby names. Immediately thought of Sarah… the name we chose for our ‘future daughter’.

I bought a couple of books (I have a bad habit of shopping when depressed) and went home. Later that night, went out for coffee with a friend. After which, I drove around aimlessly for over an hour.

Now if that’s not depressing, I don’t know what is.

So what do I want in life right now? I should go out with my friends, right? Well, I just ditched one after 20 minutes. So that’s not what I need.

I need to snuggle up with a good book… haven’t touched the book I bought, and it’s a number one bestseller.

I need to just chill and watch tv… the tv has been on for hours and I have no idea what’s going on with the plot.

I should hook up with another girl. I think we all know who I want in my life.

So what should I do?

The End Is Here

I've gone over the situation again and again. I took everybody's advice into consideration. And I finally made a decision. I wanted to give LOML one last chance.

Why?

Haven't you guys figured it out yet. I am madly in love with her. One of my favourite sayings is "Nothing worth having comes easy". And with all her quirks, she is still worth it.

But, I had to protect myself from going through this crap again. So I had to have her friend convince her to answer the phone. She did, and I went through all the speeches. We argued. We yelled. And she kept quiet.

What I told her was, I'm giving this whole breaking up fiasco of hers one more chance. I will give it all just one more time. I heart can't take it anymore. I told her that things are going to be tougher later. I will have to relocate for my job. Won't know when I'll be able to come back. So soon, it's going to turn into a long distance relationship (probably one of the reasons she wanted to break up in the first place). I told her that even though I won't be physically there most of the time, I will be there to support her in her time of loneliness. I will do my best. I am her to stick it out and make the relationship work (yet again).

But she has to commit now, and try her best as well (I know she's not perfect, but I want her to try to make it work). If she still wants to proceed with the breakup, then that's it forever. I will never take her back. Same goes if she commits now and then, after a moment of insecurity, wants to break up, it will be forever.

She finally decided that she wants to go our separate ways. I needed the closure, so I sent all her stuff to her place right after that.

She kept the 'egoist' face the whole time. Like the process didn't matter at all to her... Kind of gave it away...

We didn't say goodbye. It was just an 'ok' and a nod.

And so ends another chapter in my life. I'm sad because she promised me forever. And she couldn't do it because 'she didn't want to share me with my family, work and friends'. Basically, she wants all or nothing.

Women lie... they are full of empty promises... This is the third time in my life that this has happened. Why? Because I'm too nice. I give them the world. So the slightest bump in the road, they cry foul. And they leave.

I'm starting to think that I'll be lonely for the rest of my life. It's not that I won't try again for a meaningful relationship... but the scars I carry will be a big obstacle.

I'm too sentimental... People say it's because I'm a scorpio. I don't know... Must be because I have white knights syndrome!

We've been through a lot together. She'll definitely have a special place in my heart...

Alone again...

Why I Try

On about the 15th June 2005, I tried to start a journal. I was already trying to catch up on a few entries that I didn’t have a time to write. I was supposed to start the journal on the 11th of June. You see, that was when my son was born.

I wanted a record of every single day of his life. I wanted to give it to him on the day that he starts his own family. I think I got about a week’s worth of entries. Then I stopped. Not because I didn’t know what to write. There were a million things to tell him. It was the fact that parenthood is tough!!

There were so many things to do. And when he finally slept, either I was too tired to do anything, or I just wanted to watch him sleep.

It’s been over three years now. He’s a cute and smart toddler... no longer a baby. He asks so many questions. His sense of logic is amazing.

I personally don’t like kids. I find them annoying. Maybe because my parents, especially my dad was very strict. You just do not misbehave. And now, I just can’t stand seeing a kid who is misbehaving. Oddly enough, I just adore my son. I love him with all my heart. It’s not because he behaves. He does most of the time, but he can be quite stubborn.

He totally loves me. You could tell. I’m very strict with him but at the same time I really pamper him. Basically, he gets ALMOST everything. Great thing is the one thing he wants more than any toy in the world is my attention. And I give him as much as possible. I love giving him the attention.

Sadly, his mom and I aren’t as chummy. We are separated. So I only see my son for a day or two each week. I think it’s for best because the fighting wasn’t good for him. We fight a lot less when we are apart. So my son can have his moment with two ‘happy’ parents.

One thing about having a child is that you try to be the best that you can. You don’t settle for just a normal job, you want a career. It gives you the opportunity to provide even more for you child. You don’t want to do stupid things, because you want to your child to have a great role model. You don’t want to continue fighting with your spouse because you want your child to have a happy home.

I haven’t been the greatest father in the world. I try my best and hope he can forgive me for my shortcomings.

Kids grow up so fast. It feels like only last week he was just lying there, smiling at me. Now he’s telling me stories and asking millions of question, with lots of hugs and kisses in between. The kissing will stop soon. Not many boys will continue to kiss their dad. I don’t even remember when I last kissed mine.

I love my son. He is my world. He is the reason I try.

Somebody New, Young & Hot

I have made a decision. I'm gonna move on. No more standing here like an idiot, waiting for somebody who is not worth waiting for.

I've told a couple of friends about my decision and their response has either been a laugh or "yeah, right!" Obviously, I come to this decision each and every time. And each and every time, I end up waiting until she comes to her senses and we get back together.

So I tell my friends, this time it's for sure. I'm going to find somebody new who is young and HOT! Again, laughter... this time accompanied by "Who are you kidding? You love her too much!"

Seriously though, I think it's time to move on. It's not like I'm dumping her for someone young & hot... she's 'dumping' me and I may sometime in the future hook up with someone young & hot. So I'm technically not being the jerk here. She is...

So of I go, on my quest to find this person... I start with my phone... who do I have in the phonebook. After going through my list, I realised that I have deleted the number of every potential person a long time ago, in order to please LOML. Hell, I thought we were gonna last forever. Didn't think I would be 'looking' anymore. So that's a dead end.

What next? Let's try online chatting!! Ok, haven't done this in a while. How do you do this again? WHAT!!?? A VIRUS!!! SOMEBODY HACKED INTO MY PC!! MY BANK INFO HAS BEEN STOLEN!!??

Relax, didn't even download the chat client. Has been at almost a decade (maybe more) since I've actually flirted online with total strangers and arranged blind dates (2 cute ones, 1 hot one, and 1... hmmm... 'not very interesting'.

Maybe I should hang out at my old college... I still know the lecturers, staff, etc... so I wouldn't be just sitting there like a stalker... can catch up on old times.

You know, I've been going over 'my plan' for the past couple of days. Keep the mind busy and entertained. Keeps my mind off how depressed I really am.

Well, it wouldn't be that bad having a new, young and hot girlfriend. Problem is, would I love her or not... I don't throw that word around. I will be in a relationship for quite a while before I say the 'L' word. And after this, I don't think I'll be looking for love anymore. Probably just companionship (damn, I sound like a personal ad by a lonely 45 year old).

So, since I'm not looking for commitment, what young and hot girl would be interrested? Heck, what old and 'cold' girl would be interested?

Where are those people who are 'not looking for anything serious'? People who just want to pass the time with no strings attached. People who are just as afraid to invest their emotions in another relationship but just need the companionship.

Hello, anybody out there?

Illogical Logic

LOML has this extremely strange sense of logic. To her, because she loves me, and to help me forget her and move on in my life, she has to hurt me.

Did that sentence make any sense? I can’t even reword that sentence because I can’t find the logic in that. I hurt you because I love you. She should really write a book about that, because she would need at least 250 pages to explain how that would be the best course of action.

If you can read between the lines, you would have figured out that we are still in the ‘break up’ stage. I am trying my best not to get offended or hurt by anything that she says or does to me. I keep telling myself it’s just her illogical logic that’s running the show. So I should wait. Ignore what’s going on, and just give her time to think things through.

But there’s a problem with this course of action. You see, after giving her enough time to think things through, LOML will realize that we belong together and she wants to get back together, at which time I will respond with ‘ok, baby’. But there’s a catch. She still believes that her illogical logic is logical! Say that 10 times real fast!!!

She feels absolutely no remorse for what she has done to me. All the mean things that she has said to me… all the untrue things that she has accused me of… all of it is ‘OK’. To top it all of, she ‘gives ME another chance’!!! Hmm… anybody else thinks I’m being screwed in this?

All this while, when this happens, I’ve always accepted it. I guess because I’m willing to do anything for this relationship, that I turn the other cheek. But it’s getting harder and harder to let her do this to me. I guess everybody has a breaking point. I’m very close to mine.

I don’t want to be mean to her. I don’t want to tell her that I’m no longer able to take the crap she dishes out anymore. I should be able to, right? After all, I’m in love with her. I should accept it as ‘the way she is’. Wouldn’t I be just like any jerk if I can’t even accept the one I love for what she is?

I’ve always wanted to be the best thing in her life. I’ve always wanted her to feel like she has everything because she has me. I want her to feel wanted, to feel cared for, and to feel loved.

I guess that’s why I take this crap for her. If I was to tell her I can’t take it anymore, then it will go against everything I want for her.

I have friends that say she doesn’t deserve to be loved and cared for like that. She doesn’t appreciate what she has. I should just cut my losses and leave.

Right now, I’m leaning that way. I’ve leaned that way several times, but I have always decided to get back with her in the end. It’s gotten to a point that when I tell my friend CF that I have had enough, he laughs and says “yeah right!”

I guess my love for her is way more than the way she makes me feel with her illogical logic.

White Knight Syndrome

Earlier this year, I told my friend, IC, about my problems with LOML. He told me that I have an illness called 'White Knight Syndrome'. The definition of this 'happiness threatening' illness is:

A personality characteristic found in most males that lead them to:
1. rush to the aid of any female they see who appears in any form of distress.
2. Become attracted to said damsel in distress.
3. Follow the dying code of chivalry and generally act like a nice guy.


I just can't help myself from being attracted to women who have problems. I end up being there for them, and supporting them. And LOML is the epitome of a woman with problems. In fact, in an ideal world, she would have a sticker right across her body with the words "Damaged Goods: Do Not Accept" written on it.

Of course when I first met her, I just couldn't resist. In fact, I had problems of my own as well. We confided in each other. We supported each other. And in the end we fell in love.

So what's the problem?

You see, LOML has never been treated like a queen before. Unfortunately, she has subconciously let the power go to her head. To make things worse, she has an ego so big, she could barely fit through the door. With that, she 'denies' that she is on a power trip.

And who do you think suffers? C'est moi!

It's amazing how badly she treats me... and I stay. According to IC, I stay because of the syndrome. I can't help it but be the nice guy and take all the crap that she dishes out. I can't possibly leave her, because I know that deep down she loves me like crazy and she totally depends on me emotionally.

Now before this 'revelation' by IC, I've always felt that I stay because I love her, and she's worth sacrificing my manly ego as well as a bit of happiness once in a while. But lately, I keep hearing the words "ARE YOU STUPID?" in my head. It could also be an echo in the room from SL asking me the very same question! ;)

It's something that I can't decide on. Do I leave and be happy, or at least be less unhappy? Or do I stay and have cycles of being happy and unhappy? Do these sentences even make sense? So much for having "excellent communication skills".

Let's try this again. Do I leave for my sake, or do I stay for our sake (well mostly for her sake)? And if I stay, is it because of love, or is it because I'm hardwired that way from birth? If it was because of love, then it would be worth it. It shows that I love her that much. And 'love conquers all'... right?

But what if I stay because of white knight? Nice guys finish last...

On a lighter note, telling women that you are suffering from the White Knight Syndrome is a great pick up line! Don't ask me how I know... ;)

Insecurity

Insecurity... we all have them. Some more than others. Some deal with it pretty well.

For me, I usually keep it bottled up inside. I put on a 'confident' face, and try to get through life. Of course, once in a while, i'll tell the person who's causing me all this grief about my insecurity and they have to assure me that it's all in my head. I immediately become confident. Not to say that it is permanent, but it lasts for a while.

The "Love of My Life" or LOML, as she will be referred to from now on, is a bit different. Actually, she's very, very different!! When she is insecure, she won't say anything at first. She'll keep it bottled up for about a week. After that, even the tiniest thing will set her off with wild accusations (which deep down, she knows isn't true). What she actually wants is assurance from me. Unfortunately she doesn't want to believe a word I say. Kind of makes it difficult.

And for the coup de grâce, she will break up with me! We have broken up so many times in the 2.5 years we've been together that I have lost count.

The more amazing fact is whenever she does it, I still feel hurt... even though I know that she does this all the time, and the mean things she says are not how she actually feels... but I still feel like the world is coming to an end. I lose my appetite, I can't concentrate at work, and I smoke 3 times more than I usually do.

So what was the problem this time? She feels that I don't want to spend time with her, and I purposely want to distance myself from her BECAUSE I went to dinner with collegues after work. It was a social thing, totally unrelated to work. Meaning I had the option to not go and have dinner with her. By choosing my collegues, I have just proven, beyond reasonable doubt, that I am an asshole.

Here's the problem... I can't even remember the last time I went out with friends, without her, when she had nothing on. Oh wait, I do... March 2008. She said she was fine with it, but before I even had a chance to get home, I was already being yelled at... the marvels of cellular phones!

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I don't go out with friends. I just do it when she is busy with something of her own. The rest of the time, I WILLINGLY CHOOSE to spend time with her.

And now, here I am, not eating, obviously not doing work at the office, and trying very hard not to go for a smoke... waiting for her to call me (because she doesn't answer my calls, text messages, emails or IM).

Why??

Because love makes you do really stupid things! It's amazing what people will do or go through for love. I guess I'm in love with the most insecure woman on the planet! ;)

My first blog post!

Blogs have been around for a long time... seems that everyone has one. I 've never thought that I would actually have a blog of my own. I had stopped writing a long time ago... creative juices had dried up.


So what changed? Why do I now want to share my life with total strangers?


A WOMAN! A woman who drives me nuts!! A woman who tortures me emotionally!! A woman who will find fault in absolutely everything that I do!!! A woman who loves me... a woman that I love...

So, obviously she has done something to drive me nuts. My friend SL, feels that I should start a blog to vent my frustration. To her it's a much healthier way to deal with the situation rather than to smoke until my lungs explode.

So here I am...venting...