Holidays

Starting tomorrow, it will be a two day holiday. It's something that I have been dreading for almost the whole year. Reason - LOML.

You see, I'll be spending those two days with my family. It's one of those times of the year that I actually get to meet up with them. And I'm not talking of just my parents and sisters. I'm talking about my grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, second counsins, etc.

Now LOML's family is quite far, and with the current oil prices, makes flying to see them very expensive. So, she decided not to go see her family during the holidays.

So you see the problem here. I'm off to with my family, having fun catching up. LOML is alone at home, watching tv. She has two days to come up with something that will make my life miserable! In fact, I'm pretty sure, these holidays are part of the reason she 'broke up' with me a few weeks ago.

Before you guys ask, let me just inform you that she does not want to spend the time with my family. Long story. Reserved for future blog posts. :D

So now, when I'm with my family, I have to also keep in touch with LOML to make sure she doesn't feel lonely and left out. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to keep in touch with her. But, when you're forced to, it gets a bit stressful. You tend to get a bit uneasy.

If I didn't look at this as a chore, I'm sure I have no problems with texting her. I would be happy to do it. Have to change my mindset...

But I think after the episode she had a couple of weeks ago, she might be able to take it well this time. I'm pretty sure she understands that just because I'm not there with her, even in her time of need, doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of her. Doesn't mean that I don't care.

If she still goes into relapse, then I guess all that I've said to her went into one ear and out the other!

Think positive!!! She can do this!!! Believe in her!!!

Anyway, I won't be posting anything until Friday. So just hope that my next post doesn't have "Break Up - Again" as the title. :D

Chronic Depression

I've been told that humans are naturally depressed. So I shouldn't think that I'm any different. I should just stop using depression as an excuse and just live life.

Those who see me daily think I'm a very cheerful person. I'm the guy who just can't stop talking in the office. I'm the guy who makes jokes. I'm the guy who brings life to a dull and boring office. I'm the guy who's always happy. Up to a certain extent, I am... when I'm with people.

You see, when I'm with people, I tend to forget my own little problems in my personal life. I'm more focused on either work, or lunch, or the cute girl who just started work! :)

But when I'm alone, then my mind just doesn't give me a break. It's worst at night. I have problems falling asleep.

So what do I think about? Everything that depresses me...

1. LOML... I'm happpy with her but she depresses me.
2. My Son... don't get to spend enough time with him
3. My Job... it's still the calm before the storm, kind of boring
4. My friends... or lack of it. Have friends, but don't get to see them much
5. My financial situation... I shop to fight depression - what do you think!?
6. The price of oil... yes, that keeps me awake
7. The government... how did they ever win the election?
8. This blog... wouldn't it be nice if more people read it! :D
9. My family... i don't spend enough time with them. Don't get along with my dad.
10. My health... i've lost a bit of weight lately... not eating properly...
11. The economy... doesn't this make everybody depressed...

Well, that's all I can think of right at this moment. The rest will come to me when I'm really alone...

This can't be good for me... there was a point in my life that I was so depressed that I thought I had a fever every single day... so every single day I took over the counter fever meds... it was a couple of months before I realised that I was actually addicted to the meds... at least i realised it...

Now the only thing I rely on is good 'ol nick-o-tine... I can't drink when I'm depressed.

I don't actually need any 'medication'. Only human contact. I love to talk. I think that's why I actually agreed with the idea to start this blog. It's a way for me to 'speak' to people. It's been pretty much one way, so hasn't had the total desired effect. Maybe later when more people read it, and leave comments, it would be more 'therapeutic'...

It's amazing, just writing this post makes me depressed. I've been staring at it for over an hour. Usually takes me less than ten minutes.

My life isn't that bad. I'm pretty sure that there's at least a million guys out there in the world who would kill to have my life.

I guess we're never satisfied with what we have. We say that's it's not enough. To me, I put it down as depression. Some people put it as 'not getting what they actually deserve'.

Maybe I should be thankful for all that I have. Maybe that will make me less depressed.

Emotional Guys

I've always thought that I was very emotional. In fact, everybody tells me the same thing. I've always thought it was because I grew up with my mother and three sisters. My dad was always busy with work. Don't really like him, but that's a different story.

But now, I've noticed something with my son. He's incredibly emotional. I've always thought I was a very 'strict and macho' father. He loves me, but he is afraid to cross me. He can hug and kiss me all he wants as well as demand the same from me, but when I say something, it's law! Not two ways about it.

So how did he become so emotional?

Today, I went out to get him some socks. As I was picking something out, he ran towards the escalator. I manage to catch him right before he stepped onto the escalator.

As usual, I put on my strict face, picked him up and gave him a lecture. I know he's just three years old, but he understands what I'm talking about. So he could use the lecture on safety.

Anyway, he starts crying and declares that he no longer loves me, but loves the maid instead. He also wants to go to my parent's house.

Don't you see? He's too sensitive and emotional.

I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. Does the world need more sensitive guys. It would be okay if he had his strong side as well. But all I see in him is his sensitive side, loving side, brilliant side and naughty side.

How do I make my son 'tough'. I'm tough, up to a point. But that's all about keeping things bottled up, like a 'real man' should.

But how do you do influence a three year old child to act tough. I don't want him to lose his sensitive and loving side. Just want him to have a pair of balls to go with it.

What do you think?

Difficult Questions

LOML has this very bad habit of asking me questions which will make me look back, no matter what the answer is.

Most recent incident happened a couple of days ago. Her son is currently with her ex-husband for the next few weeks. So her ex-husband decided that it would be nice for them to go out to dinner together since her son hasn't seen her for a couple of weeks.

My seriously wouldn't mind because even though they are divorced, they still are a family with a kid together... but it's just not my place to say whether she should go or not.

So she asks me if she should go or not. I tell her it's her choice. I'm not the correct person who should say anything about it for obvious reasons...

But she insists, almost to a point of us fighting.

You see, the problem here is, if I told her not to go, then I'm an asshole for not letting her see her kid and depriving her kid of the chance to have dinner with both parents. If i were to tell her to go, then I don't care enough for her and don't have the slightest feelings when another man wants to have dinner with her... plus if they end up fighting during dinner, it would be because I told her to.

So here I am. Stuck.

I was very careful with my words... I asked her if she wanted to see her son, if that would make her happy. She said yes. So I told her to do what would make her happy, because that would make me happy.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think I'm pretty good at maneuvering around the issue. She now goes to do what she wants, and I am not only ok with it, but I'm happy with her decision.

I just weaseled out of answering a difficult question!

Truth is, it pisses me off the she would put me on the spot like that. She refuses to make a decision in her life and instead leaves it up to me, knowing full well that any answer from me will be used against me the next time she wants to 'break up' with me.

Maybe she planned this... she's just setting me up... Am I just being paranoid...

Sex

I'm sure the title has got your attention. No, I'm not going to tell you of a steamy sexual encounter. I'm going to talk about feelings.

Yesterday, I told a friend that if I had a choice between LOML and Angelina Jolie, I would still choose LOML. My friend found that hard to believe. After all, it's Angelina Jolie. She's HOT! :D

But that's how I feel. It's one of the effects of the White Knight Syndrome. It's not like I'm complaining. It's a good thing.

You see, I can't have sex with somebody that I don't have feelings for. And it's not just feelings that I can't do it. I LITERALLY can't. I don't want to get more graphic than that.

Some people told me that I'm like a woman. Getting feelings all mixed up in it. That I should just "plant my seeds whenever the opportunity arises". That I'm missing out on a lot.

Wrong!! I don't feel like I'm losing out. How do I know this? Let's just say I've had a very interesting life. And it's just not worth the trouble.

I used to think I was the only guy like this. Turns out that I'm not. There are a lot of guys out there who only want their spouse/partners. It doesn't matter if the other choice is 'increadibly hot'. Only the thought of it turns them on. The actual act doesn't. How do I know these people exist? Let's just say I have very reliable sources.

So the stereotype that all guys will screw anything that comes along is just a myth created by paranoid women. Nice guys are treated unfairly because of a 'few bad apples'.

For the record, I don't 'have sex'... I make love... ;)

Lack of Drama?

A friend of mine told me this morning that my blog is no longer interesting. Reason is, there's just no more drama! I had a problem with LOML yesterday and amazingly it was resolved on the spot. Isn't that better?

Relationship wise, yes. But entertainment value... no...

Punching Bag

The boss yells at the father. The father yells at the mother. The mother yells at the son. The son yells at the daughter. The daughter kicks the cat.

People always take out their frustration on the ones they love. It's an awful thing to do... We don't dare fight back at the world, but heck, somebody's got to pay for the injustice. So who would just take it with a smile and be 'understanding'... the loved one!

I admit that I've done it before... but I realized I was being a jerk... and I appologised... I now try my best not to do it again...

This morning, LOML decided to use me as a punching bag... she's been doing it since yesterday... in fact, she's been doing it for a long time now...

I don't mind being there for her when she has a problem. But I don't like being yelled at for no reason whatsoever...

So I had a choice, just take it or say something. I decided to say something. I told her that I'll be there for her... but she can't be downright rude to me because she's frustrated with other things.

I had no idea if this was going to end up well... as I've said before, she doesn't like to be told that she's wrong...

And do you know what she did!!!!????

She appologised!!! :D

Either she has finally decided to approach this relationship with an open mind and try her best at making it work, or I really chose the right words.

I'm going to say that the glass is half full... she is trying her best...

Our relationship seems to get better every time we fight!

So, I'm going to try to be even more supportive (I don't know if that's possible but no harm in trying) and she's gonna try not to take out her frustrations on me.

What a way to start the day, eh?

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

I just got an email from one of my many bosses. They have confirmed the need for me to attend to a client which is out of town. Here's the best part. I'll be in another state for almost two weeks... this will happen next month.

Now this is a test for LOML. She has realised that her 'little episode' last week was uncalled for... and some time with me is better than not having me in her life at all. So now, she's about to face a big challenge.

Of course she's going to be extra fragile as the trip nears. But she has to be able to cope with it.

Of course I've learned my lesson as well... I'm not saying last weeks 'episode' was entirely her fault... I'm manly enough to admit when I'm in the wrong... I could have handled things in a different way...

So this time, I thought way ahead... Since I'll be there over during the weekend, I told her that I wanted her to 'visit' me during the weekend... this was, of course, the truth... so it wasn't painful at all...

So she's going to take the train for 8 hrs (overnight... she can just sleep through the whole trip) and join me there, where we will have a weekend by the beach (did I forget to mention that the client is based on an island :D ).

Why an overnight train? It's 1/3 of the cost! So now we can spend that money on something else!

Quite a few times in the past where I've wanted her to be around or I missed her and I did not tell her... All I had to do was open my mouth and say "Baby, I miss you... come over", or something like that... and she would feel loved, needed and important in my life...

I don't tell her, mainly because I am afraid she'll say "no"...

Huh!? Doesn't make sense, does it... but in my screwed up little mind, it does... to me it's like a rejection that I can't really take... even though it's due to valid reasons such as she is busy at work...

Insecure, eh?

I don't think LOML actually understands or even knows about this issue... I just touched on it a few times with her...

Oh well, I'll get over it... I'm doing it now by asking her to come up to see me on the weekend that I'll be away...

I'm strong... right?

Lessons Learned

You should always try to learn from mistakes... Now I didn't say learn from 'your' mistakes. Just mistakes in general, made by everybody... There's a saying - "Those who don't know their history, are bound to repeat it"... in other words, you'll end up making the same stupid mistake again.

So what am I talking about..?

I want to know how many people actually read this blog and learn a lesson about relationships? How many people have ever heard a friend complain about their spouse/partner, and then did their best not to make the same mistake?

To tell you the truth, I've listened to many personal problems. And I've given out so much advice that I could probably compile it into a "Life for Dummies" book. But I have never once learned the lesson and did something about it.

I don't think I'm the only one. I have a friend who will give me the same advice I gave him before. Never fails, each and every time. LOML is the same way... when I have my insecurities, she has her 'standard advice'... but when she has the same insecurity, I have to try to convince her to take her own advice.

But some people are able adjust accordingly... SL told me a couple of weeks back that she refrained from 'chewing out' her boyfriend over a simple incident because she thought of me and my stories. Amazingly, my 'suffering' has brought happiness to a total stranger (SL's boyfriend). The guy was speachless when she was 'civil' about the issue...

At least I have made the world a better place!! :D

Now, I need to start learning from everyone's mistakes... so what did you guys do wrong today?

Shopping When Stressed

I have this really bad habit... I go shopping whenever I'm stressed. Retail therapy. You always hear of women with this problem. Rarely do you hear a guy saying "i'm stressed... i need to shop". I'm guessing it's because guys who do this are pretty much embarrased to admit it. After all, shopping isn't really a 'manly' activity... Guys go out and shoot poor defenceless animals when stressed, or something like that.

Anyway, in the past, because of stress, I have bought (that I can remember), shirts, pants, socks, underwear, shoes, alloy rims, sports exhaust, car CD player, car speakers, walkman, novels, cake, an apartment (i'm not kidding), tv, lcd tv, laptop, dvd player, camcorder, and a vacation.

I think it's obvious to say that my credit cards are smokin' hot from being swipped here and there... shopping trip... $500... peace of mind... priceless!

So, from my little episode with LOML, I bought a novel and a roadmap at the bookstore... and even though we already sorted stuff out, I still needed to do some post stress shopping... so I went out with LOML and bought a digital camera.

Here's the thing with my stress relieving purchase... I already have a camcorder... last time I used it was on vacation with LOML - 7 months ago... my cellphone also has a camera, which I've been using to take pictures on a regular basis... So, why do I need a new digital camera? I haven't got a clue... it's one of those things that I've wanted for a long time... I used to have one, but I broke it!! :D

So now I have a digital camera... I'm less stressed out (until the credit card bill comes).

I don't think I'll ever stop using shopping to relieve stress. It's just so much fun... I don't care if it's more of a 'woman' thing... heck, if women say they can do anything a man can, then a man can do anything a woman can!

What do I write?

You know what I just realised... I have no idea what else to write. It seems that tragedy makes great motivation for writing. Can I do happy?

I hope so... I used to write about happy things. Of course it was all fiction, but that's beside the point.

I'm gonna take a couple of days off from writing this weekend... Get a fresh start next week... Besides, LOML will be around. I don't think I want her to read this blog just yet. Ten years down the line, maybe.

Have a great weekend!

Persistence vs Ego - Part II

And at the end... she logged off!!!

No explanation, no goodbye, nothing.

To quote Jacquimo from the animated movie, Thumbelina, "You're sure to do impossible things, if you follow your heart..."

So I pack up my stuff and leave the office. I head to her office... Park my car beside hers and waited. You may think that this is stalking, but with LOML, it's what I have to do to get my point accross (obviously I have done things like this with her before!)

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!! You may be slapped with a restraining order! I'm a professional and have been properly trained to put my ego and dignity aside in order to make LOML realise that yes, I am in love with her.

So I ask her to go to dinner with me... she says, you guessed it... NO. This whole time she avoids looking at my face... She get's into the car and starts the engine. So I sat on the body frame at the door so she couldn't close the door...

So I start talking... I told her that we've always worked things out. We've been through so much... way tougher things than this. This is nothing...

I told her I was being persistent because she would do the same for me to save the relationship. In fact she has, but that's another story.

She knew what I was saying was true. A tear ran down her cheek. Still wouldn't look at me.

I told her that the reason she couldn't look at me was because it was just her ego stopping her from doing what her heart wants.

She finally says that she is busy. She has to meet up with someone for a dinner appointment, after which she has to go settle some stuff at the office. I told her, not a problem, I'll go with her...

This went on for a while... with her trying not to look at me even though she wanted to... My butt was starting to cramp up...

Finally, after pointing out that she still tries to look for me (through cell phone location tracking), she started to laugh...

She couldn't continue pretending anynore... she wanted me in her life, just as I want her in mine...

First 3 feelings that I felt were :

1. Happiness
2. Hunger
3. Sleepiness

I've hardly eaten or slept in almost 2 weeks. I get like that when I'm upset over LOML's "break up moments". There was an occation that I didn't eat for two days. When we 'got back together', LOML had to literally spoonfeed me because my hands were shaking so bad from the lack of food and I couldn't hold the utensils... Terrible, eh?

Anyway, I did follow her to do her work... I'm pretty sure she enjoyed having me there to keep her company...

We still haven't really talked about her issues. We've just scratched the surface. But at least we're talking with an open mind. And we have a lifetime to talk about it. I don't want to rush it... I want to live life to the fullest with her...

There were times in the past that I actually regretted getting back together, 2 mins after the fact. I felt that she was just not learning from the situation...

But this time felt different. I feel like I've gotten the message accross by sending all her stuff back to her house.

So I'm being optomistic about this... It's going to be even better than before... It usually is...

So there... my heart vs. logic... and my heart won... I'm happy for it...

My persistence vs her ego.... was there ever any doubt?

Persistence vs Ego - Part I

A little bird called SL told me a story about regrets. To sum it up, if both people love each other, and you break up over something small, always fight for it. Meet up and clarify... if you don't you will regret it. You'll be plagued with "what if"... It was a true story based on the little bird's life.

After that she told me she realised that I am moping around because I actually love LOML... not because I'm lonely and just miss having somebody around. DUH!! Everybody assumes the guy is always a jerk... anyway, the bird told me that it's worth the trouble to get what I actually want in life.

So, magically, as if on cue, I noticed that LOML logged into the IM service that we use. (No free plugs on this blog!)

So I start telling her that I'm not gonna give up on the relationship. I'm not gonna accept this whole "move on with life" stuff. If she has insecurities, she can talk to me about it. We've done it with so many other issues. Things get better.

I told her that we have to talk in person. (All this while, it's all by phone, sms, IM). I wanted to have dinner with her and talk...

Let's have dinner... NO... Let's have dinner... NO... Let's have dinner... NO...

I was very persistent! Her reason for not wanting to meet up with me was it's part of her 'moving on with life plan'... basically she was forcing herself to do something her heart did not want...

And at the end... jeng jeng jeng...

Tune in next time....

The Lack of Good Times

This blog is depressing. At least for me. It’s about time I did something that made me happy.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I went out with a friend, and couldn’t last more than 20 minutes. I left and walked around aimlessly through a shopping. I finally figured out a place that I’ve never been to with LOML… the bookstore. I love to read, but she doesn’t. So, I thought I would be emotionally safe there. Wrong!!

I came across a book of baby names. Immediately thought of Sarah… the name we chose for our ‘future daughter’.

I bought a couple of books (I have a bad habit of shopping when depressed) and went home. Later that night, went out for coffee with a friend. After which, I drove around aimlessly for over an hour.

Now if that’s not depressing, I don’t know what is.

So what do I want in life right now? I should go out with my friends, right? Well, I just ditched one after 20 minutes. So that’s not what I need.

I need to snuggle up with a good book… haven’t touched the book I bought, and it’s a number one bestseller.

I need to just chill and watch tv… the tv has been on for hours and I have no idea what’s going on with the plot.

I should hook up with another girl. I think we all know who I want in my life.

So what should I do?

The End Is Here

I've gone over the situation again and again. I took everybody's advice into consideration. And I finally made a decision. I wanted to give LOML one last chance.

Why?

Haven't you guys figured it out yet. I am madly in love with her. One of my favourite sayings is "Nothing worth having comes easy". And with all her quirks, she is still worth it.

But, I had to protect myself from going through this crap again. So I had to have her friend convince her to answer the phone. She did, and I went through all the speeches. We argued. We yelled. And she kept quiet.

What I told her was, I'm giving this whole breaking up fiasco of hers one more chance. I will give it all just one more time. I heart can't take it anymore. I told her that things are going to be tougher later. I will have to relocate for my job. Won't know when I'll be able to come back. So soon, it's going to turn into a long distance relationship (probably one of the reasons she wanted to break up in the first place). I told her that even though I won't be physically there most of the time, I will be there to support her in her time of loneliness. I will do my best. I am her to stick it out and make the relationship work (yet again).

But she has to commit now, and try her best as well (I know she's not perfect, but I want her to try to make it work). If she still wants to proceed with the breakup, then that's it forever. I will never take her back. Same goes if she commits now and then, after a moment of insecurity, wants to break up, it will be forever.

She finally decided that she wants to go our separate ways. I needed the closure, so I sent all her stuff to her place right after that.

She kept the 'egoist' face the whole time. Like the process didn't matter at all to her... Kind of gave it away...

We didn't say goodbye. It was just an 'ok' and a nod.

And so ends another chapter in my life. I'm sad because she promised me forever. And she couldn't do it because 'she didn't want to share me with my family, work and friends'. Basically, she wants all or nothing.

Women lie... they are full of empty promises... This is the third time in my life that this has happened. Why? Because I'm too nice. I give them the world. So the slightest bump in the road, they cry foul. And they leave.

I'm starting to think that I'll be lonely for the rest of my life. It's not that I won't try again for a meaningful relationship... but the scars I carry will be a big obstacle.

I'm too sentimental... People say it's because I'm a scorpio. I don't know... Must be because I have white knights syndrome!

We've been through a lot together. She'll definitely have a special place in my heart...

Alone again...

Why I Try

On about the 15th June 2005, I tried to start a journal. I was already trying to catch up on a few entries that I didn’t have a time to write. I was supposed to start the journal on the 11th of June. You see, that was when my son was born.

I wanted a record of every single day of his life. I wanted to give it to him on the day that he starts his own family. I think I got about a week’s worth of entries. Then I stopped. Not because I didn’t know what to write. There were a million things to tell him. It was the fact that parenthood is tough!!

There were so many things to do. And when he finally slept, either I was too tired to do anything, or I just wanted to watch him sleep.

It’s been over three years now. He’s a cute and smart toddler... no longer a baby. He asks so many questions. His sense of logic is amazing.

I personally don’t like kids. I find them annoying. Maybe because my parents, especially my dad was very strict. You just do not misbehave. And now, I just can’t stand seeing a kid who is misbehaving. Oddly enough, I just adore my son. I love him with all my heart. It’s not because he behaves. He does most of the time, but he can be quite stubborn.

He totally loves me. You could tell. I’m very strict with him but at the same time I really pamper him. Basically, he gets ALMOST everything. Great thing is the one thing he wants more than any toy in the world is my attention. And I give him as much as possible. I love giving him the attention.

Sadly, his mom and I aren’t as chummy. We are separated. So I only see my son for a day or two each week. I think it’s for best because the fighting wasn’t good for him. We fight a lot less when we are apart. So my son can have his moment with two ‘happy’ parents.

One thing about having a child is that you try to be the best that you can. You don’t settle for just a normal job, you want a career. It gives you the opportunity to provide even more for you child. You don’t want to do stupid things, because you want to your child to have a great role model. You don’t want to continue fighting with your spouse because you want your child to have a happy home.

I haven’t been the greatest father in the world. I try my best and hope he can forgive me for my shortcomings.

Kids grow up so fast. It feels like only last week he was just lying there, smiling at me. Now he’s telling me stories and asking millions of question, with lots of hugs and kisses in between. The kissing will stop soon. Not many boys will continue to kiss their dad. I don’t even remember when I last kissed mine.

I love my son. He is my world. He is the reason I try.

Somebody New, Young & Hot

I have made a decision. I'm gonna move on. No more standing here like an idiot, waiting for somebody who is not worth waiting for.

I've told a couple of friends about my decision and their response has either been a laugh or "yeah, right!" Obviously, I come to this decision each and every time. And each and every time, I end up waiting until she comes to her senses and we get back together.

So I tell my friends, this time it's for sure. I'm going to find somebody new who is young and HOT! Again, laughter... this time accompanied by "Who are you kidding? You love her too much!"

Seriously though, I think it's time to move on. It's not like I'm dumping her for someone young & hot... she's 'dumping' me and I may sometime in the future hook up with someone young & hot. So I'm technically not being the jerk here. She is...

So of I go, on my quest to find this person... I start with my phone... who do I have in the phonebook. After going through my list, I realised that I have deleted the number of every potential person a long time ago, in order to please LOML. Hell, I thought we were gonna last forever. Didn't think I would be 'looking' anymore. So that's a dead end.

What next? Let's try online chatting!! Ok, haven't done this in a while. How do you do this again? WHAT!!?? A VIRUS!!! SOMEBODY HACKED INTO MY PC!! MY BANK INFO HAS BEEN STOLEN!!??

Relax, didn't even download the chat client. Has been at almost a decade (maybe more) since I've actually flirted online with total strangers and arranged blind dates (2 cute ones, 1 hot one, and 1... hmmm... 'not very interesting'.

Maybe I should hang out at my old college... I still know the lecturers, staff, etc... so I wouldn't be just sitting there like a stalker... can catch up on old times.

You know, I've been going over 'my plan' for the past couple of days. Keep the mind busy and entertained. Keeps my mind off how depressed I really am.

Well, it wouldn't be that bad having a new, young and hot girlfriend. Problem is, would I love her or not... I don't throw that word around. I will be in a relationship for quite a while before I say the 'L' word. And after this, I don't think I'll be looking for love anymore. Probably just companionship (damn, I sound like a personal ad by a lonely 45 year old).

So, since I'm not looking for commitment, what young and hot girl would be interrested? Heck, what old and 'cold' girl would be interested?

Where are those people who are 'not looking for anything serious'? People who just want to pass the time with no strings attached. People who are just as afraid to invest their emotions in another relationship but just need the companionship.

Hello, anybody out there?

Illogical Logic

LOML has this extremely strange sense of logic. To her, because she loves me, and to help me forget her and move on in my life, she has to hurt me.

Did that sentence make any sense? I can’t even reword that sentence because I can’t find the logic in that. I hurt you because I love you. She should really write a book about that, because she would need at least 250 pages to explain how that would be the best course of action.

If you can read between the lines, you would have figured out that we are still in the ‘break up’ stage. I am trying my best not to get offended or hurt by anything that she says or does to me. I keep telling myself it’s just her illogical logic that’s running the show. So I should wait. Ignore what’s going on, and just give her time to think things through.

But there’s a problem with this course of action. You see, after giving her enough time to think things through, LOML will realize that we belong together and she wants to get back together, at which time I will respond with ‘ok, baby’. But there’s a catch. She still believes that her illogical logic is logical! Say that 10 times real fast!!!

She feels absolutely no remorse for what she has done to me. All the mean things that she has said to me… all the untrue things that she has accused me of… all of it is ‘OK’. To top it all of, she ‘gives ME another chance’!!! Hmm… anybody else thinks I’m being screwed in this?

All this while, when this happens, I’ve always accepted it. I guess because I’m willing to do anything for this relationship, that I turn the other cheek. But it’s getting harder and harder to let her do this to me. I guess everybody has a breaking point. I’m very close to mine.

I don’t want to be mean to her. I don’t want to tell her that I’m no longer able to take the crap she dishes out anymore. I should be able to, right? After all, I’m in love with her. I should accept it as ‘the way she is’. Wouldn’t I be just like any jerk if I can’t even accept the one I love for what she is?

I’ve always wanted to be the best thing in her life. I’ve always wanted her to feel like she has everything because she has me. I want her to feel wanted, to feel cared for, and to feel loved.

I guess that’s why I take this crap for her. If I was to tell her I can’t take it anymore, then it will go against everything I want for her.

I have friends that say she doesn’t deserve to be loved and cared for like that. She doesn’t appreciate what she has. I should just cut my losses and leave.

Right now, I’m leaning that way. I’ve leaned that way several times, but I have always decided to get back with her in the end. It’s gotten to a point that when I tell my friend CF that I have had enough, he laughs and says “yeah right!”

I guess my love for her is way more than the way she makes me feel with her illogical logic.

White Knight Syndrome

Earlier this year, I told my friend, IC, about my problems with LOML. He told me that I have an illness called 'White Knight Syndrome'. The definition of this 'happiness threatening' illness is:

A personality characteristic found in most males that lead them to:
1. rush to the aid of any female they see who appears in any form of distress.
2. Become attracted to said damsel in distress.
3. Follow the dying code of chivalry and generally act like a nice guy.


I just can't help myself from being attracted to women who have problems. I end up being there for them, and supporting them. And LOML is the epitome of a woman with problems. In fact, in an ideal world, she would have a sticker right across her body with the words "Damaged Goods: Do Not Accept" written on it.

Of course when I first met her, I just couldn't resist. In fact, I had problems of my own as well. We confided in each other. We supported each other. And in the end we fell in love.

So what's the problem?

You see, LOML has never been treated like a queen before. Unfortunately, she has subconciously let the power go to her head. To make things worse, she has an ego so big, she could barely fit through the door. With that, she 'denies' that she is on a power trip.

And who do you think suffers? C'est moi!

It's amazing how badly she treats me... and I stay. According to IC, I stay because of the syndrome. I can't help it but be the nice guy and take all the crap that she dishes out. I can't possibly leave her, because I know that deep down she loves me like crazy and she totally depends on me emotionally.

Now before this 'revelation' by IC, I've always felt that I stay because I love her, and she's worth sacrificing my manly ego as well as a bit of happiness once in a while. But lately, I keep hearing the words "ARE YOU STUPID?" in my head. It could also be an echo in the room from SL asking me the very same question! ;)

It's something that I can't decide on. Do I leave and be happy, or at least be less unhappy? Or do I stay and have cycles of being happy and unhappy? Do these sentences even make sense? So much for having "excellent communication skills".

Let's try this again. Do I leave for my sake, or do I stay for our sake (well mostly for her sake)? And if I stay, is it because of love, or is it because I'm hardwired that way from birth? If it was because of love, then it would be worth it. It shows that I love her that much. And 'love conquers all'... right?

But what if I stay because of white knight? Nice guys finish last...

On a lighter note, telling women that you are suffering from the White Knight Syndrome is a great pick up line! Don't ask me how I know... ;)

Insecurity

Insecurity... we all have them. Some more than others. Some deal with it pretty well.

For me, I usually keep it bottled up inside. I put on a 'confident' face, and try to get through life. Of course, once in a while, i'll tell the person who's causing me all this grief about my insecurity and they have to assure me that it's all in my head. I immediately become confident. Not to say that it is permanent, but it lasts for a while.

The "Love of My Life" or LOML, as she will be referred to from now on, is a bit different. Actually, she's very, very different!! When she is insecure, she won't say anything at first. She'll keep it bottled up for about a week. After that, even the tiniest thing will set her off with wild accusations (which deep down, she knows isn't true). What she actually wants is assurance from me. Unfortunately she doesn't want to believe a word I say. Kind of makes it difficult.

And for the coup de grâce, she will break up with me! We have broken up so many times in the 2.5 years we've been together that I have lost count.

The more amazing fact is whenever she does it, I still feel hurt... even though I know that she does this all the time, and the mean things she says are not how she actually feels... but I still feel like the world is coming to an end. I lose my appetite, I can't concentrate at work, and I smoke 3 times more than I usually do.

So what was the problem this time? She feels that I don't want to spend time with her, and I purposely want to distance myself from her BECAUSE I went to dinner with collegues after work. It was a social thing, totally unrelated to work. Meaning I had the option to not go and have dinner with her. By choosing my collegues, I have just proven, beyond reasonable doubt, that I am an asshole.

Here's the problem... I can't even remember the last time I went out with friends, without her, when she had nothing on. Oh wait, I do... March 2008. She said she was fine with it, but before I even had a chance to get home, I was already being yelled at... the marvels of cellular phones!

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I don't go out with friends. I just do it when she is busy with something of her own. The rest of the time, I WILLINGLY CHOOSE to spend time with her.

And now, here I am, not eating, obviously not doing work at the office, and trying very hard not to go for a smoke... waiting for her to call me (because she doesn't answer my calls, text messages, emails or IM).

Why??

Because love makes you do really stupid things! It's amazing what people will do or go through for love. I guess I'm in love with the most insecure woman on the planet! ;)

My first blog post!

Blogs have been around for a long time... seems that everyone has one. I 've never thought that I would actually have a blog of my own. I had stopped writing a long time ago... creative juices had dried up.


So what changed? Why do I now want to share my life with total strangers?


A WOMAN! A woman who drives me nuts!! A woman who tortures me emotionally!! A woman who will find fault in absolutely everything that I do!!! A woman who loves me... a woman that I love...

So, obviously she has done something to drive me nuts. My friend SL, feels that I should start a blog to vent my frustration. To her it's a much healthier way to deal with the situation rather than to smoke until my lungs explode.

So here I am...venting...