Insecurity

Insecurity... we all have them. Some more than others. Some deal with it pretty well.

For me, I usually keep it bottled up inside. I put on a 'confident' face, and try to get through life. Of course, once in a while, i'll tell the person who's causing me all this grief about my insecurity and they have to assure me that it's all in my head. I immediately become confident. Not to say that it is permanent, but it lasts for a while.

The "Love of My Life" or LOML, as she will be referred to from now on, is a bit different. Actually, she's very, very different!! When she is insecure, she won't say anything at first. She'll keep it bottled up for about a week. After that, even the tiniest thing will set her off with wild accusations (which deep down, she knows isn't true). What she actually wants is assurance from me. Unfortunately she doesn't want to believe a word I say. Kind of makes it difficult.

And for the coup de grâce, she will break up with me! We have broken up so many times in the 2.5 years we've been together that I have lost count.

The more amazing fact is whenever she does it, I still feel hurt... even though I know that she does this all the time, and the mean things she says are not how she actually feels... but I still feel like the world is coming to an end. I lose my appetite, I can't concentrate at work, and I smoke 3 times more than I usually do.

So what was the problem this time? She feels that I don't want to spend time with her, and I purposely want to distance myself from her BECAUSE I went to dinner with collegues after work. It was a social thing, totally unrelated to work. Meaning I had the option to not go and have dinner with her. By choosing my collegues, I have just proven, beyond reasonable doubt, that I am an asshole.

Here's the problem... I can't even remember the last time I went out with friends, without her, when she had nothing on. Oh wait, I do... March 2008. She said she was fine with it, but before I even had a chance to get home, I was already being yelled at... the marvels of cellular phones!

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I don't go out with friends. I just do it when she is busy with something of her own. The rest of the time, I WILLINGLY CHOOSE to spend time with her.

And now, here I am, not eating, obviously not doing work at the office, and trying very hard not to go for a smoke... waiting for her to call me (because she doesn't answer my calls, text messages, emails or IM).

Why??

Because love makes you do really stupid things! It's amazing what people will do or go through for love. I guess I'm in love with the most insecure woman on the planet! ;)