I’m upset… I’m depressed… I haven’t eaten much in the last few days. Three guesses what happened…
Well, I called up S yesterday and asked her the same question… she got it in one guess. “LOML?”… well, she didn’t actually say that. She knows LOML and actually said her name.
As usual, she wanted out of the relationship. I must hold the world record!
What was it this time? I don’t think the details are important. Basically, she feels it’s the noble thing to leave, so I can fully take care of my son, et al. Obviously, I had to take care of something and she did not feel that my decisions were in her best interest. She also feels that it’s wrong for her to feel that way. Since her feelings and her ethics are not in sync, the best thing for her to do was leave the relationship… wasn’t that obvious?
I tried to talk to her, as usual. This time it was two hours of waiting outside her office. I did the talking, as usual. She did say a few things though… ‘I don’t want to talk/see you’… ‘no’ and ‘leave me alone’… I told her that if she really wants me out of her life, she has to look into my eyes and tell me.
Obviously she can’t… she wouldn’t even try because she knew she would cry and the whole charade would be over. She still loves me… I can see it behind that so called ‘angry’ face.
After trying for a while, I kiss her on the head (she tried to move out of the way) and left. I didn’t say goodbye… I knew it would be too hard for me…
Again, I’ll try to get over her… In most cases, it will take a few days of ‘getting over her’ before I do the whole waiting outside her car/office/house bit. But this time I skipped to the end.
So here I am… back on the market… but emotionally unavailable…
I still love her… I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her…
A friend once asked me if after all the shit I go through with her, can I really imagine a life with her… honestly, I don’t have a plan for the future that does not involve her at my side.
The only thing that I don’t want with her is kids... for a couple of reasons. One, I don’t really like the way she takes care of her son. I’m a bit picky with that. Probably because of the way I was brought up. The second reason is I don’t want to share her with anybody else, even our own child… sound familiar? Don’t you think we are meant to be together? :P
I tried to be mad at her… it would make things easy to get over her… she tried to make me angry by not talking to me… she knows it drives me nuts… but who am I kidding… I’m not mad at her at all… I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her that we will be able to get through this issue, just like all the previous ‘issues’…
Will I try again… I don’t know… maybe not… but then again, who knows what next week has in store for me…
1 comment:
sometimes love is not about always being together. sometimes love is about letting go. because she thinks it's better for her and u....and maybe she's right. We can't run from our responsibilities and sometimes that's our main priority in life. we dont' always get what we want. maybe it's good enough to her to know that you'll always be there for her.
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