Stop lying to yourself...

It's my fault this time. Totally my fault. I went into half-heartedly... we never had a chance of making it work.

After a few weeks and two fights, I threw in the towel. I broke up with LOML.

Our relationship was full of expectations. We wanted so much from each other because we were both emotionally dependant on each other. It was impossible to give everything, and we both don't respond well to not getting 'our way'...

I guess, I never recovered from the last breakup.

I'm sorry baby...

Yaaaawwwwnnnnn......

I have lost count of how many times I've yawned today. It's not because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I'm just bored out of my mind.

I have work to do at the office... I'm doing it right now (ok, so not really right now... but it takes a while for things to load, so might as well multitask).

It's not that I hate my job... it has its challenges... the people are great... the company is great... my bosses are great... but it involves me sitting here at my desk solving problems from the comfort of my office chair...

Damn!!! That's boring...

I want to go out to see people. The thing is, I deal with people from different countries on a daily basis. There isn't a single work day that goes by without me interacting with somebody who is from a nother country.

But, with great things like email, IM, and cheap long distance calls, I never, ever get to meet these people!! The only way I know what my collegues look like is from their Facebook profile!

I miss going out to see people... sitting down to discuss work and then going out for a cup of coffee. I miss my biz trips... I haven't been on one for the past three months... heck, I haven't been out of the office in the past three months...

I've become absolutely lazy!!

It's time I come up with something fun to do at the office... I can already feel the horns growing out of my head! ;)

After a week...

It's been almost a week since I took LOML back... seems like forever though! I guess I'm not as happy as I was before when things got back to the way it used to be. During those other times, I didn't give up. I tried very hard to make the relationship work. She just played the role of "judge, jury and executioner". This time it's kinda new in terms of the roles... she broke up with me, and she came back to me.

Do I hate spending time with her? Of course not. It's great hanging out with her. As I've said before, we have a lot of great times. It's just the other things that get me a bit uncomfortable... like how things are going to be like in the future... whether she will learn from the past...

If I'm not that excited to get back together with her, then why did I? 'Cause I'm a sucker when it comes to women who cry... hell, they don't even have to cry... all they have to do is look sad. First thing I want to do is run over and help them out.

Well, I just realised something... I didn't get back together for 'us'... I got back together with her for 'her'... and the sacrifices just keep on coming...

Should I expect something in return? Better treatment... or an attitude readjustment on her behalf? Nah... the best gifts are the ones with no strings attached... don't you think?

Here we go again...

I checked the stats for this blog, and it seems that how most people end up at this blog is by googling "White Knight Syndrome"... leads them to an earlier post of mine. I guess there are lots of guys suffer from this... well, you guys are going to love what happened.

In my last post, I told you guys that she IM me... to appologise... well, it didn't stop there. She wants me to take her back... she regrets what she did... and she misses me...

This went on for two days, after which I couldn't take it anymore and I told her I'd prefer to do this face to face. Don't want to misunderstand or be misunderstood.

Well, we met up. She was happy when I called to tell her the place. I had to call her company cell... she didn't give me her new number... but as soon as she got there and saw that I wasn't smiling, she became... well in a word, sad.

We talked... we argued... and at the end she wanted me to take her back, but she has some 'terms and conditions'. You see, every time she breaks up with me and we get back together, she always imposes new 'restrictions'... things that I like which make me feel closer to her. Things like having her listed as a friend in my Facebook account.

I thought it over... I knew the new 'rules' were coming... and I told her that I did love her. I did miss her. But to take her back, and have to abide with the new rules, and always be living in fear that she'll do this again didn't seem like a good deal for me. After all, she said she made those decisions based on what was 'good for her'...

So I made a decision which was good for me... I want to be in a relationship where both sides try to make it work... I want to be in a relationship where I can express my love in any way that I want and have that person appreciate it... so, I said my goodbyes, and left.

I would think that this is the end of the story... next blog post would be about some new girl I met... well, things don't always work out that way for us 'knights'.

Late that night, she texted me from her 'new' number... finally gave me the number (that was one of the new rules... I guess would make it easier for her to take off again)... she said that she was sorry... it's just that she couldn't control her selfishness... and she will always cherish what we had.

I didn't reply.

Early the next morning (6am to be exact), I woke up to find another text from her at 5am... she says she misses me... I didn't want to leave her hanging, cause after all, I still care for her. So I replied that I missed her too... which wasn't a lie... I missed her like crazy...

I thought I was safe, but I was wrong... she was still awake... couldn't sleep... so I called her...

So we chatted a bit... small talk... and I asked her to go to breakfast with me... it's amazing how excited she was... the excitement was short lived when i gave her some stuff that she had accidently left at my place...

So we talked a bit... and she was still hoping I would take her back... but her ego kept her from just coming back to me without any strings attached (ie the rules)...

I sent her to her car afterwards. I didn't like to see her so sad... even people who don't suffer from White Knight Syndrome are not that mean...

While saying goodbye, she grabs me, kisses me, starts crying (she only got teary eyed the night before) and tells me yes... she wants to be with me... no strings attached...

Now how could I say no to that? It's not that I hate her or was angry at her... all I had for her was love...

She moved back in last night... and for once in over a week, we had a peaceful sleep... it was so peaceful that we were late for work this morning... didn't want to get out of bed...

I don't know how the future is going to turn out... I'm not looking at the past... I'm just interested in the present... appreciate what she does for me... and we'll take it from there...

Letting go...

I had an interesting weekend. It involved days of drinking, girls dancing on the bar, girls in bunny suits, and three girls who turned out to be sisters... all this in order to avoid going home to an empty house.

No wonder my friends say I'm much more fun when LOML is not around. At least the guys say that.

It's slowly working towards getting me over her. Every morning isn't as bad as the previous day... It's not much progress, but it's better than nothing...

So here I was, minding my own business, when she suddenly IMs me...

LOML : hey
Me : hi...
LOML : i m sorry
Me : ok... me too...

And that's it!!

Everytime I take two steps forward, she takes me one step back...

I still haven't decided what to do... do I just wait for her to say something else... or do i just crumble and go running to her...

The problem is, I don't know what she's thinking. She might just want to appologise in order to have closure... or she might have regretted her actions and wants to get back together...

I don't dare say anything sweet and nice or ask her out. I can't take another 'rejection'... basically, I no longer want to risk anything for this relationship anymore... I think...

So here we go again...