Take a day off!!

I've got a business trip coming up on Thursday... Going to Bangkok. It's just a quick PR thing... go see the client... say hi... have lunch... bubbye... so it'll be for just one night. Fly in on Thursday, and fly home on Friday.

Everybody, including my boss(es) are telling me to just stay over for the weekend. Enjoy myself. My boss actually pointed out the fact that I have not taken a single day off. Which isn't really true. I did take three days off to take care of my son when he was in the hospital. But I doubt that counts as a real 'day off'...

Ok, I'm gonna admit it... I am sort of a workaholic. Not to say that I really work hard from the time I come in to work until they actually lock up the office. I mean, here I am blogging during office hours. It's more of a need to go to work.

Now, the weekend in Bangkok wouldn't be work. In fact, if I was to fly home, I still won't be going to the office. It is after all, the weekend. So I have absolutely no reason for not spending some time in Bangkok...

Amazingly for the first time, writing about it does not give me that Eureka moment on why I am the way I am...

I've told the person in charge of travel arrangments to just check out Friday and Saturday... I wonder what I'll actually do...

Depression

I haven't been updating my blog lately. Been so extremely busy at work. And I never want to look at my laptop when I'm at home. Nine hours staring at the screen for five days is more than enough for me.

I haven't had much time to think lately because of all the work that I have to do. At home, it's been nice, rekindling the romance with LOML... yes, I gave it another go. So haven't been left with my own thoughts... until today...

I'm waiting for feedback from my boss before proceeding with the work. So had a bit of time... and my mind went straight to work...

What did it produce? Depression... I'm there again... all my worldly problems come rushing in... I am not in the mood to deal with any of them. I think about my relocation that's coming up probably in a month's time. About how I'll be alone in a place that I couldn't last for 10 days (refer to a previous post - http://lifeofh.blogspot.com/2008/10/long-business-trips.html )... oh god... life sucks...

Somebody once told me that humans are naturally depressed... life afterall is depressing... you wake up in the morning, go to work, become a slave to the almighty dollar, go home, have dinner, go to bed... then repeat. Sounds like instructions for shampoo... 'wash, rinse, repeat'... there's actually no instructions on how to get out of the cycle... how do you know when to stop?

Is my life really like shampoo?

Maybe I just like the drama... like S always says, I'm the drama king... I need a break from the mundane life I sometimes lead...

I create problems... I want to be depressed about the relocation... if you really look at it, a relocation would mean new scenery, new friends, new collegues, new places to go and party my brains out!! But instead, I see myself being bored and lonely... I see myself missing the people I leave behind... I see myself starting arguments with LOML just to get attention...

I really have to change my mindset. I used to be a very optimistic person. I wonder what happened?

I need to go shopping... it's my anti-depressant...

Misery Loves Company...

The wise S once said to me that LOML is my destiny... no matter how we try to be apart, something will happen that brings us back together... and we will have to just accept the misery that comes with that... when we are together we are miserable, but yet we are infinitely happy... when apart, then we are only miserable...

When I think about it, yeah, that might be the case... it seems that somebody will fold... and that somebody will say "Damn it!! I still love you!! And I know you still love me!! So stop this bullshit and plant a wet one on me!!"

Why did I just imagine myself as a cowboy and actually say those exact words?

Anyway, something happned on Friday night... something always happens...

I was planning on going out... blah blah blah... ended up not going anywhere and fell asleep in front of the tv. At 3am, I receive a text message. "B, come and rescue me". (As of this point you should know that we both call each other Baby, and short form is, well, B. So don't get confused with fact the this blog is called "The Life of H", and there's references to a friend named B.)

As an ex-bf who is still madly in love with her, I immediately called... she was in her car, pissed drunk and alone... and she was bawling... I panicked... I thought something happened to her... so I drove like a madman... and well, rescued her... I took her home to my place and took care of her...

You see... something will always happen... now here she is in 'our' bed... she was in need, and the one she trusts and wants is me...

so we spent the whole of saturday talking... in each other's arms, no less... we didn't even have breakfast until 7pm...

The next day we talked for a few hours on the phone... we are still talking now...

What we want is each other... we realise that we will be slightly miserable... she can't help it but release some steam... it's the only way she can prevent herself from going insane... there are aspects of my life that we can't do anything about... I go on as normal, drives her nuts... I do something about it, she feels guilty, and it will drive her nuts...

So now here she is waiting for an answer from me... will I take her back and love her with all her quirks...? Wow... now that's an interesting question...

I broke up with her because of it... now she wants me to turn the other cheek and just accept it when it happens... of course she will try to tone it down a few notches... since she knows what is the root cause of it all...

Can I make this sacrifice... basically, have to tell myself "she doesn't mean it" every time... 90% of me says YES... another 10% is affraid that I can't and I end up hurt, and I end up hurting her...

I have to make a decision soon... the suspense is killing me... I want to know how this story ends!