I Need Attention

I haven't put up anything on this blog lately... it's actually because I've been busy writing a 'non-anonymous' (is there such a word!?) blog. Problem is, I can't give you the link here, because if I do, then this blog won't be very anonymous anymore, now would it...

For those who actually know me, the link is on my Facebook page.

It's not as easy to write the other blog. Anonymity lets me talk about anything, no matter how improper it is. On the other blog, I've got to practice 'self-censorship'... borrrrinngg... but I've got no choice. There are things about yourself that should be kept a secret...

So, now I've got two blogs to update... sigh...

Watch out Slash!

I look good holding a guitar... at least that's what people say. But I never got around to learning how to play the guitar. It looked just too difficult... or I'm just too lazy. Depends on when you ask me why I haven't started learning.

A couple of months ago, after many months of procrastinating, I decided to go out and buy a guitar... after all, I have a lot of 'alone' time here on this island (yes, I'm still working on the same project, far far away from home).

Anyway, I was in another state a few weeks ago, visiting a friend in his hometown, and decided that it was the day I took the next step. Bought myself the cheapest acoustic guitar available, a chord book and a guitar pick. The friend I was visiting is actually the lead guitarist in the band that I'm in. So he circled a few chords in the book that I should begin with gave me some tips.

He also played the guitar I chose a bit to make sure it sounded alright. And that, ladies and gentleman was the last time music was ever produced by that instrument.

I got home, and started practicing. And I sound really bad.

I was afraid that I would quit half way. There were several reasons for this. First of all, it's really hard. Second of all, it's really painful. (This is starting to sound like a marriage!).

Somebody once told me... if you want to make sure you don't quit half way, you tell EVERYBODY what you're doing. That way, there's a little part of you that would not let you quit in order to avoid embarrassment. A lot of people are quitters... but none of them want people to know that fact.

So I started telling everybody that I was learning to play the guitar. Even promised LOML with a performance. Set dates to when I'll be able to play a song.

Now, I can't back out! Quitting is no longer an option.

After about 5 weeks, I know where some of the chords are... but I'm still slow in moving from chord to chord. If I can't move from chord to chord, then I can't play any songs... I'm just... well... playing chords...

I practice almost everyday... C... D... G... Em... Am... E... F... chord to chord... I'm pretty sure my neighbors are ready to shoot me by now.

In learning to play the guitar, I realized something about myself. Part of my persistence is due to the fact that I want to avoid shame. I've already told everybody that I'm learning to play the guitar... it's too late...

Is that what it takes for me to get of my butt? Don't I have any self motivation to better myself anymore?

I used to do new things 'just for the hell of it'. I got on stage in front of 5,000 people and sang, just for the hell of it. I joined a long distance run, just for the hell of it. I volunteered to do presentations at work, just for the hell of it.

Now it's 'to hell with it'.

My 30th year on this planet hasn't been as exciting as my previous 29. I had a bad feeling about turning 30, and it's starting to come true.

Have to stop this slide... have to start living life again... just for the hell of it.

My Best Friend's Wedding... or lack thereof...

My friend has got to be the world record holder for receiving the most marriage proposals... first one at around 17... and they never stopped coming ever since. So a very conservative assumption now that she's 30 is that she would have already settled down. Correct?

Since when do I have 'conservative' friends?

My friend has decided to reject every single one of those proposals... reasons range from "I thought he was joking... but then he made this sad face when I starting rolling on the floor with laughter", to a more serious "He's already married and he proposed to me!?"

You would think that my lovely and popular friend doesn't want to settle down. Quite the contrary... in fact, she's eager to find her life partner. The fact that everybody around her is getting hitched doesn't help. I got an earful from her when I told her that I was proposing to LOML (I already did propose to LOML over Valentine's... I told you I was busy). She said it wasn't fair I was getting married for a second time, while she was still waiting for her first...

To make things worse, she just broke up with her boyfriend after a two year relationship... so close, but no cigar...

So why does she want to get married? And I'm not talking about 'someday'... but going on and on about it like she wants to go through it tomorrow... why does anybody want to get married...

The most common reason is that you really love someone and you want to take the next step in the relationship... you start thinking about buying a place together, naming your unborn children, planning your retirement... basically, you want to grow old with that special someone... and nothing says 'I love you' better than giving up your freedom and be tied down to the same person for the rest of your life...

Wait a minute... that didn't sound very romantic...

Anyway, there's nothing 'common' about my friend here... so let's examine a bit deeper into her psyche.

Gosh... it's messy in here...

Alright... fact : she has turned down many proposals. Why does a person who complains about not getting married yet turn down a marriage proposal?

I have this theory. My friend wants what she can't have. There was this one relationship which she was in. At first she made a big deal about why he had no plans on marrying her... after which, he realized that she was indeed the one... so he proposed. And she said no. Of course the whole story took place over a decent amount of time...

Back to my theory... she wants it at that time because she can't have it... and when she does, she runs... (which is what you should do when the question of marriage comes up... I don't sound like I'm happy to be getting married to LOML, do I?)

That's my first theory... I've got a second theory. It's actually quite simple. She hasn't found the right one yet. She has found an almost perfect guy. She loves talking to him all the time. She benchmarks every guy she goes out with to him. She's comfortable around him. Only problem is, I'm taken!! :P Plus we don't love each other 'that way'...

So, other than me, she hasn't met anybody that would be the perfect life partner. I don't think she should rush into it. Let things happen naturally. Somebody will come around and steal her from me... I mean, sweep her off her feet.

While re-reading this post, I realize that she's actually a combination of both theories. Plus, she's a bit impatient. But I know how she feels... sort of.

I was 18-19 at the time. Had just entered university. A couple of months in, my girlfriend at the time broke up with me. You see, she moved to another country after we finished high school. And after a few months, she couldn't handle a long distance relationship anymore.

So there I was, girlfriend-less. At that time, I was already close to the above mentioned friend. There was a group of us actually. We would all hang out together at night, after classes. Right after I got dumped, I noticed that everybody in the group was paired up. I was the only single one there!!!

This went on for the rest of the year!! I went out with a few girls (who am I kidding... I was a male slut... I went out with a lot of girls!), hoping that I would find somebody suitable that would fill the empty void that used to be my heart.

I did not go out with any particular girl more than twice. Couldn't find anything interesting about any of them. They all had their so called 'flaws'. As I look back now, I realize that there was nothing wrong with any of them. I was just making up excuses. I wanted something, but when I got it, I let it go.

This went on for the rest of the year!! And I bitched about being lonely the whole time. At the end of the year, I decided to give up. The following year, on the very first night I was back on campus, I met somebody, who later became my wife... the mother to my child.

Okay, it wasn't that simple. I did psych myself up before I got to campus that I would be more open and accepting with the next girl I meet. In short, I stop wanting what I couldn't have, took what I could have and found the right one... all in one night.

I have a feeling that there are gaps in my story... but it's 2:30am so you, my beloved readers, will have to excuse me for it...

I know... I've been lazy....

The last post was in August of last year... I've been really busy these past few months... I really wanted to do what I love, which is to write... but instead, I did the other thing I love to do... which is procrastinate...

Let's see how long I can keep this going...